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You know, if Mama Cass had shared that ham sammich with Karen Carpenter, they might both still be alive.




I'm sorry. That was truly awful.

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Top 10 Times In History When the F-word Was Appropriate.

1. "Scattered f#cking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "How the f#ck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

3. "You want WHAT on the f#cking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where did all those f#cking Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

5. "It does so f#cking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "Where the f#ck are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

7. "Any f#cking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein, 1938

8. "What the f#ck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "I need this parade like I need a f#cking hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

10. "Aw c'mon. Who the f#ck is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998

(07-13-2009 06:49 AM)BlazerFromMD Wrote:  In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the
men's rest-room, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any
of the
buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled
ATR..

Who would know if he
touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's rest-rooms don't have nice things
like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a frag ile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
pleasure.. The ladies rest-room was more than a rest-room, it is tender loving
pleasure.

When the powder puff
completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he
knew would be sup reme
ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse
was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR
button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under your
pillow.'

~MEN NEVER LISTEN

Almost lost some coffee on that one!

(07-12-2009 05:04 PM)Blazer Engineer Wrote:  LOve it! Jerry Clower still cracks me up!

"Knock 'im out, John!"

The wisdom of Age

Two Bulls on a Hill

Two bulls stood on a hill. The two bulls looked down on a valley were more than a dozen cows grazed. The young bull says “Let’s run down the hill and screw one of those cows.” The old bull turned to the young bull and said, “How about we walk down the hill and screw them ALL!”

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and 'Aunt' Jane in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt...Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and 'Uncle' Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs."
Mommy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!!

(07-16-2009 09:52 PM)UAB Band Dad Wrote:  

(07-12-2009 05:04 PM)Blazer Engineer Wrote:  LOve it! Jerry Clower still cracks me up!

"Knock 'im out, John!"

"Dammit, Ray!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago ?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything.."

A salesman stops at a farm, trying to sell his wares, when the farmer, being very proud of his efforts, decides to show him around the place.

He invites him in and points at the floor.

"See those floors? Those boards are oak, from trees I cut down and split using my own two hands. There's not a nail to be found. Those boards are pegged together."

The salesman asked, "Why did you go through all that effort, when you could have done it a lot easier?"

"Let me tell you something, son. I've done everything in my life the hard way, because that's the only way to make sure it's done well, that it'll last, and that you can take pride in it. Yup, only do things the hard way."

So, they're now out in the pasture.

"Don't own a tractor. I tilled this land pushing a blade behind a mule. All 600 acres. Yup, only do things the hard way. The hard way is the only way to do things."

Suddenly, a beautiful young woman comes strolling out of the barn.

"That there's my daughter."

"And before you ask, standing on our heads in a canoe!"

What's the difference between Coach Saban and God?


God doesn't think he's Nick Saban.

The Night of April 1st


Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 71 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing
on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me..

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy'
I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man.
Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off.

That's when I shot him ............ the little bastard.

(07-11-2009 10:10 AM)TMcCarty Wrote:  Two guys are driving through Mississippi when they see a sign that says Gautier, 5 miles. The two men launch into an argument over whether the town is pronounced "Go-shay" or "Gau-tee-er". Finally, they decide to get off the interstate once they enter the town and enter a shop to get a final verdict. So the two men stop at a fast-food joint and go inside. When they get to the counter, one of the men tells the kid at the register, "we are having an argument over how you pronounce this place, so could you please tell us where we are, and say it very slowly." The kid looks at them kind of odd, then says, very, very slowly,"Dairy Queen".

I was told the same joke, but it was between "Arab" and "A-rab" and Piggly Wiggly.

(07-23-2009 12:38 AM)Tree Missile Wrote:  

(07-11-2009 10:10 AM)TMcCarty Wrote:  Two guys are driving through Mississippi when they see a sign that says Gautier, 5 miles. The two men launch into an argument over whether the town is pronounced "Go-shay" or "Gau-tee-er". Finally, they decide to get off the interstate once they enter the town and enter a shop to get a final verdict. So the two men stop at a fast-food joint and go inside. When they get to the counter, one of the men tells the kid at the register, "we are having an argument over how you pronounce this place, so could you please tell us where we are, and say it very slowly." The kid looks at them kind of odd, then says, very, very slowly,"Dairy Queen".

I was told the same joke, but it was between "Arab" and "A-rab" and Piggly Wiggly.

Choose #2!

Anyone hear the rumor that David Carradine was in the process of changing his national citizenship before he died?

Yep, he was turning Japanese....

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you do?"
"First Place!," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
"I'm entering," says Pinocchio.


After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the heck is Nancy Pelosi?" cried Pinocchio.

Copped from overheardinnewyork.com:

Don't Bite the Hand That Grades You

Annoying professor, about optical illusion on slide: What do you all see here?
Student: A moron with tenure.

Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia

(07-17-2009 10:47 AM)Blaze4Pres Wrote:  What's the difference between Coach Saban and God?


God doesn't think he's Nick Saban.

Reminds me of a story. Pat Dye's AU team was about to score on Bama so he prayed for a great play. God answered, "Run Fulwood to the right" Dye sent the play in and "Bo" Jackson went the wrong way and Bama nailed Fulwood for a loss on 4th down. After the loss, Dye prayed again and asked why God had given him that play? God paused and then asked over his shoulder, "Bear, why did we tell Pat to run Fulwood to the right?"

The bear remover.

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Why the news shouldn't screen grab images from the web: