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You know why the Challenger crew didn't take shampoo with them on their flight?





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They knew they'd find their head & shoulders on the beach.

A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's *****."

"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here's the truth......I've really spoiled that woman."

The other day I was in Wal-Mart looking at the CDs and noticed that my shirt was untucked, so I tucked it in. A lady saw me doing this and thought that I was stuffing CDs down my pants. She told the person behind the electronics counter and they came over to confront me. The girl behind the electronics counter told me what the lady thought she saw and I quickly denied it. The girl said "well, there's only one way we can settle this...we're going to have to go in the back and do a strip search." A few minutes later, we came back out and the lady said "see, I told you he was stuffing CDs in his pants." The girl then said "no, ma'am, he didn't have any CDs, but another inch and he would've had a record."

(05-19-2010 02:24 AM)mdv483 Wrote:  The other day I was in Wal-Mart looking at the CDs and noticed that my shirt was untucked, so I tucked it in. A lady saw me doing this and thought that I was stuffing CDs down my pants. She told the person behind the electronics counter and they came over to confront me. The girl behind the electronics counter told me what the lady thought she saw and I quickly denied it. The girl said "well, there's only one way we can settle this...we're going to have to go in the back and do a strip search." A few minutes later, we came back out and the lady said "see, I told you he was stuffing CDs in his pants." The girl then said "no, ma'am, he didn't have any CDs, but another inch and he would've had a record."

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"
Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No "
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee"

Missionary

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. 'You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!'

The missionary replies: 'No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.'

The chief pauses for a moment then says, 'Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child.'

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is
sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and
cuts a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to
work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end
of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of
egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market
in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big
bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and
made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got
ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched.'"

"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story
to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt
Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane
was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a
machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a
hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed
twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of
moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

What sexual position produces the ugliest children?




































Ask your mother.

One day an elephant was walking through the woods and fell into a hole. A little while later, a mouse was walking through the woods and saw what had happened to the elephant.

The elephant says "Mr. Mouse, Mr. Mouse, please help me. I'm stuck in this hole and can't get out."

The mouse tells the elephant "I know what to do. I'll go get my Mercedes, tie a rope around the bumper, and tie a rope around you and get you out."

So the mouse did just that and got the elephant out. A few days later, the reverse scenario happened...the mouse got stuck in the hole. A little while later, the elephant was walking along when he discovered what had happened to the mouse.

The mouse said "Mr. Elephant, Mr. Elephant, please help me. I'm stuck in this hole and can't get out."

The elephant says "Well, I don't know what to do. If I try to step down in there, I might stomp on you."

So the mouse says "I tell you what you need to do. Slide your pecker down the hole and I'll climb up it and out of this hole."

So, the elephant does just that and the mouse is able to get out of the hole. Moral of the story: if you've got a big d*ck, you don't need a Mercedes.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched
his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from
heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create
enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. "Reach up there and find out" he said.
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand backup there, it'll grow some more!"

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen? ""Yep. Sure did. " The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane? ""Yep. ""Were there any survivors? " the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out. " The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning. ""The President of the United States is dead? " The agent gulped in disbelief. "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . but you know what a liar he is. "

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
came and informed the dad that his son was born without a
torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he
could. Twenty-one years later, the son was old enough for
his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told
him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest
drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on
curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons
chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The
bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged
his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another
drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the
whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands,
he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of
it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy
stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He
stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front
door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The
bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while
he was a head."

How do you get a Bama fan off your porch?







Pay him for the pizza.

Good to break out the classics every now and then.

A dog, a cat, and a ***** are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The ***** outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely sh*t my pants."

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart @ss, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!