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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother..

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'

(06-02-2010 12:36 AM)mdv483 Wrote:  Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

Not funny! She not only throws things but has really good aim!

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was.

I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

A priest is travelling on a mission and gets a flat tire. He limps slowly down the road to a gas station that has a repairman. He finds an old greasy biker working the repair shop. He asks the biker if he can mount a new tires and he replies "yes sir, have it done in 20 minutes". the priest replies please take your time and make sure the lug nuts are tight. Will do sir. While watching the biker work the priest feels it important to remind the biker to make sure the lug nuts are tight. To which the biker replies will do sir, unhappy at being reminded but not wanting to cause a fuss he gets back to work.

When the biker is done he waves to the priest who has been sitting in the shade. The priest asks him again if the lug nuts are tight. The biker snaps back "Tighter than a nun's *kitty* sir". The priest bows his head and replies, "better give em a few more turns son"

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Barry's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Barry walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Barry.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Barry, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh!t!"

Then I would say,"It is dog sh!t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh!tty that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the sh!tty taste out of your mouth."

The teacher was speechless...

Seeing the movie write up about what to do with the witch in medeval times, I'm reminded of the story about the guy who picked up a beautiful girl hitch-hiker who informed him she was a witch. He asked for proof and she began to undress. Sure enough, he turned into a motel.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"

"Nope, no more booze for me"

"Sorry, but you're not really my type"

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"

"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third guy ducks.

(07-29-2010 02:35 PM)Copperblazer Wrote:  Two guys walk into a bar.

The third guy ducks.

I heard that the third guy fell on his face and couldn't move. At that point the second guy said "No more for Jim, he's our designated driver".

What goes, Clip-clop, bang-bang, clip-clop?



An Amish drive-by...

I ALMOST won $200.00 this week!

They had a trivia contest at the church I attended Wednesday night. The top prize was $200.00. It finally came down to me and one other guy.
The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer was 'Africa.'
I not only got it wrong and lost the contest - they have asked me to find a different place to worship!

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

I guy I know was griping about his ex-wife. He said "My ex is like a condom. She spent more time in my wallet than she ever did wrapped around my *****."

Two southern ladies are sitting on a front porch talking.

One lady brags to the to the other: "Do you see this ring?" and shows off a huge 10 carat blue diamond ring. "This ring", the woman continued, "was given to me by my husband on the birth of our first child." To which the other lady replied "How nice."

"And do you see that car?" and points to a beautiful Audi R8 2008 model car. "That car was given to me by my husband on the birth of our second child." To which the other replied "How nice."

"And do you see this house?" And the lady waved her hand around the porch they were sitting which was connected to a mansion complete with servants, gorgeous grounds, exotic birds and a huge sparkling pool. "My husband built this house for me on the birth of our third and final child." To which the other lady replied "How nice."

The lady smiles and says "well what has YOUR husband done for you my dear?"

"Oh, I dont like to brag.."

"Oh,COME now darling, you MUST be doted on SOMEHOW, youve been too kind to let me brag on and on. Tell me now what has your husband done for you?"

"Well", the other lady replied. "When we got married, my husband sent me to charm school."

"CHARM school?" The lady replied. "Why on EARTH would you need CHARM school for? You've been so very nice and sweet sitting there and letting me go on and on. Tell me, why would you need charm school?"

"Well, in charm school they taught me to say 'How nice' instead of Fu$k you B!tch."

Bono is at a U2 concert and asks the crowd for some quiet. Slowly to rapt silence from the audience he begins clapping his hands and says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front of the audience pipes up: "Well, stop clapping, then."

(10-09-2010 02:43 PM)UAB Band Dad Wrote:  I guy I know was griping about his ex-wife. He said "My ex is like a condom. She spent more time in my wallet than she ever did wrapped around my *****."

You promised you wouldn't tell!

(10-09-2010 01:02 PM)Marathon Blazer Wrote:  Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

"You can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!" - George Carlin

The SEC

(1) What does the average Alabama Player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas Cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a South Carolina Cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Georgia Graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a Girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup

(6) Why is the Kentucky Football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's Life?
.........His freshman year.

(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?

.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Sturm, Ruger & Co. announced today they will producing a new line of pistols for 2011. It will be named "The Union Worker".
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

(03-09-2011 09:05 AM)BlazerFromMD Wrote:  Sturm, Ruger & Co. announced today they will producing a new line of pistols for 2011. It will be named "The Union Worker".
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

I am a union employee. I work very hard at my job, thank you very much.