RE: Saw this on my FB. Reb may want to reconsider that secession remark he made.
Dear Blue States:
Imagine our relief that you've decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won't have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.
We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing.
But not so fast. You don't get to take all the Blue States with you--just the Blue parts.
You see, your Blue States aren't actually "blue." Mostly, they're states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country which, come to think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are--we'd think it was fraud and send election observers from the UN. Even California is pretty much a Red State.
So, the bottom lines is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.
But we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don't actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties, pardner, not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.
Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can't pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They're all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we're sure they'll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives. (And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)
We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don't need to walk around armored up.
And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties. Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain't it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest. Ok by us; we'd be fools not to take you up on it.
So here's how it works. All of you liberals, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who've made it clear they'd like to go.
That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thank you. You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis, and the ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen. Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don't forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.
In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who've made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today. We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we'll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.
So that's the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand. And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis.
We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.
And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. Much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.
Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.) Not to worry, though, since we're sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, and hostility to organized religion of any kind. Good luck with that. But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We'll be busy that day.
(This post was last modified: 11-09-2012 12:33 PM by No Bull.)
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Saw this on my FB. Reb may want to reconsider that secession remark he made.
![[Image: 3d_bookshot-283x278.jpeg]](http://solmc.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/3d_bookshot-283x278.jpeg)
