RE: Tuck Foledo
More True Toledo Stories
Two Wishes in Toledo
A Toledo graduate walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bar tender comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"
The man says," I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich. The Toledo graduate looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too." "The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
So the bar tender pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be $12.50 please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly $12.50.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half ... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The Toledo graduate pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch ... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
The bar tender rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be $16.60 please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact $16.60 out of his pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can’t contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know ... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"
The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight *****."
Removal Service
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree wearing a Toledo shirt. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
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NO BULL.......
A Toledo graduate takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
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Jason Candle Say...
"Toledo player who run in front of car get tired."
"Toledo player who run behind car get exhausted."
"Toledo player with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change."
"Toledo player give wife grand piano. Huskie player give wife upright organ."
"Toledo player who walk thru airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok."
"Toledo player trapped in whore house get jerked around."
"Toledo player who scratches arse should not bite fingernails."
"Toledo player who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Toledo baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Wife who put Toledo player in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Toledo player who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Toledo player who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
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Birds and Bees
A Father asks his recent Toledo graduate, now aged 25, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the Toledo graduate said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech, at age sixteen I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age twenty I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then after graduation form Toledo you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
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A physician saw one of his patients on the street. He tipped his hat and greeted him. "Good morning my Toledo Rocket friend. Did those suppositories I prescribed alleviate your problem?"
"Doctor", he answered with a wry smile, "For all the good those things did me, I could have stuck them up my ass."
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A Toledo student asks her Toledo boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the Toledo boyfriend is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boyfriend how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boyfriend tells the pharmacist.
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack saying the boyfriend will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boyfriend shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boyfriend quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boyfriend is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boyfriend turns and whispers back;
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A Toledo graduates wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard for him to receive.
Q: What's the difference between a Toledo Graduate and a dead prostitute?
A: The Toledo graduate still sucks!
Q: How does a Toledo woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: Why don't Toledo students play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is
Q: What does it mean when a Toledo players girlfriend is in bed gasping for breath and calling his name?
A: He didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you tell if a Toledo chick is too fat to have sex with?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because “Toledo” was already taken
Q: How do you circumcise a Toledo graduate?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
What did the elephant say to a naked Toledo man?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Toledo who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin.
Q: What’s the worst thing about a Toledo man dating a Toledo girl?
A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.
Q: Why do Toledo women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What’s the difference between the Toledo football team and a Toledo cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.
Q: Why does the Toledo graduates hide Easter eggs?
A: They doesn't want anyone knowing they've been having sex with the chickens!
Q: What does a Toledo woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. Q
Q: What's the difference between a Toledo graduate and Bowling Green?
A: The Toledo graduate will knock his sister up; the Bowling Green graduate will marry her.
Q: What's the difference between a Toledo zoo and a Northern Illinois zoo?
A: A Toledo zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: What’s the best thing about a 18 year old Toledo girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15
Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a Toledo woman?
A: The back of my hand.
Q: What do Toledo women and mopeds have in common?
A: They are both fun to ride till a friend sees you on them
Q: How man Toledo sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
Q: How do they say "F U" in Toledo?
A: Trust me.
Q: Why are Toledo men’s penises bigger than NIU men?
A: Because as kids NIU men had toys to play with!
Q: Why do Toledo men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dic&s. Q
Q: How did you get a Toledo chick into bed?
A: A Piece of Cake.
Q: What's the difference between a Toledo girlfriend and Toledo wife?
A: 45 lbs.
What does a Toledo graduate do when his dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work
Q. How does a Toledo graduate find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So Toledo women can get laid too.
Q: Why were the two Toledo women travelling in London pissed off?
A: Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!
Scientists say the average size of the male ***** has gone down to 5 inches.
This just shows how big the Toledo population is getting.
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