One of my favorites particularly since I have a brother-in-law from Texas who is into to spicy stuff and one from New Jersey who isn't.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"
Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........

What's the difference between and eplictic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The eplictic corn shucker - shucks between fits.

Those are two of the dumbest jokes I've ever heard.

A guy sitting at a bar finally speaks to the bartender after several drinks. In the conversation the guy ask the bar tender if he was a gambling man and of course the bar tender said I’ll take a good bet when I see one.

So the guys says great how about this – I’ll bet you ten bucks I can bite my right eye. The bar tenders replies no one can bite their right eye and yes I’ll take that action.

So the guy pops out his glass eye and bites it and takes the bar tenders money. Well of course the bar tender gets upset and threatens to remove the guy for taking advantage of him. Just as the guys apologizes and says ok, I’ll bet you twenty bucks I can’t bite my other eye. The bar tender thinks for a minute that this guy can’t have two glass eyes so he says yes I’ll take that action and places his twenty on the counter.

Well then the guy pops out his false teeth and bites the other eye. Well the bar tenders goes nut and calls for the bouncers. Just as the guys says OK , OK I’ll bet on something you can do!

Well the guys says I understand you are good mug slinger. The bar tender says yes I can sling a good mug. So here’s the bet, I bet you a hundred dollars I can straddle your bar and you can sling a mug down the middle and I will piss in it and not get one drop on your bar.

Well of course the bar tender says I’ll take that action so the guy gets up on the bar in the ready position and the bar tender flings the mug down the middle and this guys is peaing everywhere!

Well the bar tender comes back to the guy laughing and slapping his sides saying “that is the dumbest bet I’m ever seen what in the world possessed you to make such a stupid bet?”

The guy said it’s real simple. See those three guys in the corner crying? I just bet them a 1000 bucks a piece that I’d piss all over your bar and you’d laugh about it!

Atlanta Airport

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great ."
Pause...
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your little hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed
continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

A lady goes in an Ice Cream shop that sells 31 flavors and walks around for a few minutes and then goes to counter and says I would like a gallon of Vanilla. the guy behind the counter says to the lady I'm sorry but we are out of vanilla, but we have many other flavors. Lady says OK and starts looking around.

A few minutes pass and the lady goes to the counter and says I made up my mine I would like a half gallon of vanilla. The guy behind the counter says lady I'm sorry but we are out of vanilla but we have many other flavors and the lady says OK.

A few minutes pass and the lady comes back to the counter and says I made up my mine, I would like two scoops of vanilla.
Well the guy behind the counter is a little perturbed at this point and says to the lady. May I ask you a few questions? and the lady replies yes of course!

the guys says can you spell the "Choc" in Chocolate? and the lady says C-H-O-C

Great he says now can you spell the "Straw" in strawberry? and the lady says S-T-R-A-W

Now the guys says can you spell the "F**K" in vanilla? and the lady says oh my god there is no f**k in vanilla

And the guys behind the counter says "lady that's what I've been trying to tell you that there is no F**king vanilla!"

A spaceship lands out west next to a gas station and these two aliens walk out and approach the lone gas pump. The two pull their rays guns from the side holsters and say "take me to your leader". Well of course the gas pump didn't say anything.

a minute or so passes and the two aliens repeat the "take me to your leader or we'll blast you!" As to be expected the the gas pump says nothing.

Well the two alien fire their ray guns and the gas pump explodes! Big time!

The aliens were blown 50 feet away and as the two got up dusting them self off one of the aliens says "you know, when I saw that guy standing there with his "richard" in his ear that this was going to be a bad encounter of the third kind".

Big Ed Wrote:A spaceship lands out west next to a gas station and these two aliens walk out and approach the lone gas pump. The two pull their rays guns from the side holsters and say "take me to your leader". Well of course the gas pump didn't say anything.

a minute or so passes and the two aliens repeat the "take me to your leader or we'll blast you!" As to be expected the the gas pump says nothing.

Well the two alien fire their ray guns and the gas pump explodes! Big time!

The aliens were blown 50 feet away and as the two got up dusting them self off one of the aliens says "you know, when I saw that guy standing there with his "richard" in his ear that this was going to be a bad encounter of the third kind".

3 couples had died and were waiting to enter into heaven through the gates.

The first couple came up to St. Peter. He told the man 'All of your life all you ever cared about was money. Look you even married a girl named Penny. Go ahead and leave. I can't let you in.'

The second couple came up to St. Peter. He told the man 'All of your life all you ever cared about was drinking and getting drunk. Look you even married a girl named Sherry. Go ahead and leave. I can't let you in.

The third couple was standing in line and had heard the plights of the first 2 couples. The man turned to the woman and said 'Things don't look too good for us, honey. C'mon, Fanny let's get out of here.'

The Rejection Letter:

Dear Mr. Drake:

Thank you for your letter of June 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

S D Wingerwanger

georgiatiger Wrote:

Big Ed Wrote:A spaceship lands out west next to a gas station and these two aliens walk out and approach the lone gas pump. The two pull their rays guns from the side holsters and say "take me to your leader". Well of course the gas pump didn't say anything.

a minute or so passes and the two aliens repeat the "take me to your leader or we'll blast you!" As to be expected the the gas pump says nothing.

Well the two alien fire their ray guns and the gas pump explodes! Big time!

The aliens were blown 50 feet away and as the two got up dusting them self off one of the aliens says "you know, when I saw that guy standing there with his "richard" in his ear that this was going to be a bad encounter of the third kind".

You know what they call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

Gladiator (Glad-he-ate-her)

you know what they call 3 lesbians in a closet?

a "licker" cabinet....

The Lone Ranger is surrounded by a bunch bad guys. The rocks and small hill he is on are all that is protecting him.

After hours of fighting the Lone Ranger decides to send up smoke signals for Tonto to bring help.

A few hours pass and in the distance the Lone Ranger spots Tonto riding up with a beautiful blond girl riding behind him.

As they get closer the Lone Ranger yells out “ I said bring a Posse’”

Big Ed Wrote:The Lone Ranger is surrounded by a bunch bad guys. The rocks and small hill he is on are all that is protecting him.

After hours of fighting the Lone Ranger decides to send up smoke signals for Tonto to bring help.

A few hours pass and in the distance the Lone Ranger spots Tonto riding up with a beautiful blonde girl riding behind him.

As they get closure the Lone Ranger yells out “ I said bring a Posse’”

:clap2: finally! Big Ed finally!

I liked the liquor cabinet too, 3XT.

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on the Tennessee campus?
A: A Memphis visitor


Q: How do you get a Tennessee football fan to stop beating his wife?
A: Make her wear a Elite 8 t-shirt


Q: What do you call a beautiful women on the arm of a Tennessee fan?
A: A tattoo


Q: What does a Tennessee grad call a Memphis grad?
A: Boss


Q: What is the difference between a East Tennessee divorce and a Tornado?
A: I don’t know either, but someone’s gonna lose a trailer


Q: What does an Memphis student and a Tennessee student have in
common?
A: They both were accepted to Tennessee


Q: A man walks into a store and says, “I would like a orange hat, orange pants, orange sweater, and white shoes.” The clerk says, “are you a Vol fan?” “Yes replies the man, “How did you guess—by the color combination?” “No,” answers the clerk, because this is a hardware store.

Q: One day in a bus station, one man approached another and said, “ I
bet your from the University of Tennessee.” “Why yes I am”
answered the other. “How could you tell, was it my good looks, my
debonair charm, my taste in clothing?” “No”, replied the first, “I
saw your class ring as you were picking your nose.



Q: Why do the Tennessee Vol fans wear orange and white?
A: They can wear it to the game on Saturday…They can wear it
hunting on Sunday…and they can wear it to work on Monday
when they’re picking up garbage at the roadside!



Q: Why don’t people from East Tennessee water ski?
A: They can’t find any lakes that slope in the mountains



Q: What’s a seven course meal in Knoxville?
A: A possum and a six-pack



Q: Why is Tennessee changing their mascot to the possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road



Q: Where was OJ headed in his white Bronco?
A: To Knoxville. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman
winner there

Q: If you have a car containing a Vol wide receiver, a Vol linebacker,
and a Vol defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop

Q: What do you call an Tennessee grad wearing a suit and tie?
A: The defendant!

Q: What’s the difference between a Vol and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket

Q: What are good uses for a Tennessee diploma?
1) Toilet paper
2) Proof of need for handicapped parking stickers
3) Crying towel
4) Proof of need for welfare

Q: Why did the Tennessee grad get fired from the M&M factory?
A: He was throwing away too many W’s

Q: What job do they assign Vols at the M&M factory?
A: Proofreading

Q: What is the most frequent line heard from graduates of Tennessee’s
business school?
A: Would you like fries with that


Q: How do you get a Tennessee grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza and tip him well

Q: How can you tell if it’s a Tennessee airplane when it is snowing?
A: Snow chains on the propellors

Q: Hear Phil Fulmer was only dressing 15 players for the Fiesta Bowl?
A: Heard the rest could dress themselves

Q: How do you know when an Tennessee graduate student uses your
computer?
A: The screen is covered with whiteout

Q: What do you call a Vol with half a brain
A: Gifted

Q: What are the toughest 6 years in a Tennessee students life?
A: 3rd Grade


Q: What’s the difference between a Vol and a dollar bill?
A: You only get three quarters out of a Vol


Q: How do you compliment a Tennessee fan?
A: Nice tooth


Q: What does Tennessee and 7up have in common?
A: Never had it, never will


Q: Hear about the Tennessee guy that took his girl to the Knoxville
Zoo?
A: They wouldn’t keep her


Q: What does a Tennessee angler do when his boat springs a leak?
A: Drills a hole in the other end to let out the water

Q: How many Tennessee students does it take to make popcorn?
A: Eleven. One to hold the pan, and ten to shake the stove

Q: Tennessee is getting ready to hire a new offensive coordinator
A: His name is Win-One-Soon

Q: Did you hear about the tragedy on the Tennessee campus:
A: The library burned down…they lost both books…and the real
tragedy is, one of them had not even been colored in yet.

Q: There was a couple who were getting a divorced, so the judge said to
the child, “Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with
your Dad?” “No,’ said the child, “he beats me.”
“Do you want to live with your Mom then?” “No, she beats me too”.
“Well who do you want to live with?” “I want to live with a Vol fan”
said the little girl, “because they can’t beat anybody that’s good.


Q: A Tennessee grad was hunting in the woods. He came upon a
beautiful woman laying naked in the grass. “Are you game?” He
asked. The women said “yes”. So he shot her


Q: A Memphis and Tennessee fan were driving in opposite directions
on dark stormy night and they had a collision in the middle of the
road. The Vol manages to climb out of his car and survey the
damage. Like wise the Memphis man climbs out of his car and does
the same. Both feel lucky to have survived the wreck. The Vol walks
over to the Memphis man and says “I think this is a sign from God
we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead
of arch rivals. The Memphis man says “you are absolutely right!
We should be friends”. Now I am going to see what else survived this
wreck. So the Memphis man opens his trunk and finds a full unopened
bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Vol, “I think this is another
sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding
and friendship.” The Vol says, “You’re right!”, and he grabs the
bottle and starts sucking down the whiskey. After putting away
nearly half the bottle, he hands it back to the Memphis man and says,
“Your turn!” The Memphis man twists the cap back on the bottle and
says, “Nahh, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to show up.”


Q: What do you get if you cross a Tennessee Football player with
a Louisville Cheerleader?

A: Nothing! There is some things even a Tennessee player won’t do

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he wanted to see his friend Gregory .......... peck

Big Ed Wrote:Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he wanted to see his friend Gregory .......... peck

man I can hear the groans from here!