Big Ed Wrote:Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he wanted to see his friend Gregory .......... peck

Wow, setting a new low today...

Big Ed Wrote:Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he wanted to see his friend Gregory .......... peck

No wonder they call you Flounder.

Tennessee and Memphis were playing football against each other. With the score tied late in the 4th quarter the refs make a horrendous call giving the Vols a first down at Memphis' one yard line. Tommy West in a fit of rage pulls his players off the field and into the locker room. 3 plays later TN scores and wins the game.

The smartest man in the world has an IQ of well over 200. He is a little disgruntled because he is so smart since he is not able to relate to anyone and has no friends. As he is speed reading the NY Times one day he notices an ad for a doctor that has an IQ reducer.

He sees the IQ reducer as the solution to his social problems and decides to visit the doctor. The doctor examines the man and tells him that he will be able to help him.

The smartest man is hooked up to the IQ reducer. The machine turns on. His IQ starts to drop...240, 230, 220, 210, 200. Just then the phone rings. The doctor answers it and it is an old friend that he hasn't talked to in years. He talks to his friend and completely forgets about the smartest man. After about 10 minutes he remembers about the man. He slams the phone down and walks over to the IQ reducer. The machine has leveled off at an IQ of 24. The smartest man is unconsious. The doctor slaps the man to says to him 'Can you hear me? Can you say anything?'

The man wakes and responds:



























Go Vols!!!

An engineer dies and ends up in Hell. He starts complaining "There's been a mistake. I've been a Christian all my life. I'm supposed to be in heaven." Finally, one of the little demons tells him he will have to take his complaint to Satan himself.

Satan hears his story, then says simply "That's the Hell of it".

<<<<Time passes.>>>>>

Two weeks later Satan's phone rings. "Satan, it's the Lord. do you have an engineer down there with you?"

Satan confirms that he does. The Lord says "Well, there's been a mistake made. He is supposed to be up here in heaven with us. You are going to have to send him up here."

Satan says "I'm not giving him up. He's been here two weeks and has already put in drinking fountains and flush toilets, and now he's working on central air conditioning".

God says, "Well you are going to have to give him up."

Satan is adamant "I'm not letting him go. What are you going to do about it?"

The Lord says "Well, I guess I'll have to sue you"

Satan replies "How are you going to do that? I have all the lawyers down here with me."

A couple of my favorites:

1.
A couple of engineering students (John and Frank) were set to meet outside the engineering building to work on a class project. John noticed that Frank was riding a brand new bike up to the building and had to ask where he got it from. Frank told him, "I was walking across campus the other day, and this gorgeous girl rode up to me on a bike. She hopped off and stripped down to her birthday suit. Then she said 'Take what you want'".

John nodded his head in agreement..."Yeah, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

2.
Two soldiers were taken captive by the enemy. One was a Memphis grad, and the other, a TN grad. The enemy, wanting to show the world that they weren't barbarians, offered each man a last request. They asked the TN grad, who responded, "I'd like to here Rocky Top, just one more time". They said they could probably work that out. Then they asked the Memphis grad, who responded, "..........Shoot me first".

And of course, the always classic:

A Scientific Proof of Hell


A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

I caught a cab in Knoxville. The driver told me he was a huge Vol fan. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

You think pilots make fun of those guys who bring them the last ten feet into the terminal with those cone flashlights?

"Well, thank YOU, Vasco da Gama. I just zipped in from Malaysia, you're going to take me the last furlong, Captain Eveready? I hope you don't blow a D-cell. I'd hate to be stuck out here in the Bermuda Tarmac for the rest of my life."

Marine in Hell

A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. " Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you like to fight?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!

Counselor: Oh, you're going to hate Fridays.

A young lad has bought a new house with a yard and decides it's time to get a dog. Being a hunter he wants to get the best duck dog he can find. So the young lad goes to his grandfather and ask him for advise because the grandfather is a huge outdoors man and avid duck hunter.

The grandfather explains all the attributes one should look for when buying a great duck dog as well as the most important one of all. That you should lift of his tail to see if his b'hole is tight or too loose. If it's too loose then the dog will fill up with water and drown when he jumps in the lake to go after your duck.

So the young lad starts his search for the greatest duck dog and he finally finds one and he tells the kennel owner that he needed to give the dog the final and most important test which was to lift of his tail and check his b'hole to see if it was water tight.

Well when the young lad picked up the tail of the dog he says to the kennel owner that I can not buy this dog because his b'hole is too lose and when he jumps in the water he will fill up and drown.

Well the kennel owner looks at the dog's butt and then grabs the dog by the balls and gives them one big twist and the dogs b'hole tightens up so fast and the kennel owner says " I'm sorry for the confusion, I had this one adjusted for Quail"!

If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 then why are you such a b!tch

TigerInPrisonWithALaptop Wrote:Marine in Hell

A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. " Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you like to fight?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!

Counselor: Oh, you're going to hate Fridays.

Is that a prison joke?

TigerInPrisonWithALaptop Wrote:

Big Ed Wrote:Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he wanted to see his friend Gregory .......... peck

No wonder they call you Flounder.

Yeah, yeah, I know but the sad part is all of you guys will use it! Besides this one joke has gotten the most responses from any of the other jokes.

tigerstothehouse Wrote:If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 then why are you such a b!tch

ummm. Am I missing something, here? or did this post wind up on a joke thread by accident?

mphsfan Wrote:

tigerstothehouse Wrote:If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 then why are you such a b!tch

ummm. Am I missing something, here? or did this post wind up on a joke thread by accident?

Everything adds up so what's the problem (being a B!tch)

Big Ed Wrote:

mphsfan Wrote:

tigerstothehouse Wrote:If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 then why are you such a b!tch

ummm. Am I missing something, here? or did this post wind up on a joke thread by accident?

Everything adds up so what's the problem (being a B!tch)

If you have to explain it...

mairving Wrote:

Big Ed Wrote:

mphsfan Wrote:

tigerstothehouse Wrote:If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 then why are you such a b!tch

ummm. Am I missing something, here? or did this post wind up on a joke thread by accident?

Everything adds up so what's the problem (being a B!tch)

If you have to explain it...

something I heard a while back and thought it was funny...to each his own I suppose

tigerstothehouse Wrote:

mairving Wrote:

Big Ed Wrote:

mphsfan Wrote:

tigerstothehouse Wrote:If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 then why are you such a b!tch

ummm. Am I missing something, here? or did this post wind up on a joke thread by accident?

Everything adds up so what's the problem (being a B!tch)

If you have to explain it...

something I heard a while back and thought it was funny...to each his own I suppose

I with you Kemosabe!

Heck, I thought the chicken crossing the road the see his friend peck was funny.

FYI - Gary Lawson and the Far Side was the best!

Maybe we need a worst joke of the day contest, at least I would have a commanding lead in that contest.

Big Ed Wrote:Maybe we need a worst joke of the day contest, at least I would have a commanding lead in that contest.

My money is on Flounder