* * * O f f i c i a l "ToE-LEe-dOH" AKA Non-Rival Pre-Game Thread * * *
I'll start it out
You might be from Toledo if your dad walks you to school because he is in the same grade as you.
What do you get when you put the entire Toledo Rockets cheerleading team in one room? A full set of teeth.
Two Toledo football players are walking down the road when they see a dog licking his privates. One sighs and says to his friend, "Jeez, I wish I was able to do that." The other football players looked confused, stares at the dog then turns to the first football player and says you can go ahead and try, but I bet he will probably bite you."
What did the Toledo graduate’s girlfriend say when she broke up with him? Don't worry, we can still be cousins.
What do Rockets call fast food? Driving your truck over a squirrel at 70mph.
What are the best five years of a Toledo Rocket’s life? 4th grade.
They had to raise the minimum drinking age in Toledo to 35? The authorities are trying to keep alcohol out of the middle schools.
How can you tell that you are staying in a Toledo hotel? When you call reception and say "I've got a leak in my sink" and they reply with "sure, go ahead".
Why are all Toledo murders so tricky to solve? All of the DNA records match and there are zero dental records.
How can you tell if a Toledo female is a virgin? She is able to run faster than her brothers and cousins.
If a Toledo couple get divorced, are they still cousins?
A man walks into a Toledo bar and announces, "Today I heard a great Rocket joke!" A MASSIVE guy stands up off of his seat and says, "Wait a minute their man". Before you go on and tell that joke, I'm Billy Bob. I'm 6 foot 5 and weigh 260 pounds, all muscle and I am a proud Toledo football player and graduate. See that fella over there? He is a professional boxer, and he's a Toledo grad too. And the guy behind the bar has a shotgun next to the cash register and he is a proud Toledo grad, too. Now, you really want to tell that joke?" The man who walked into the bar says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three different times."
What did the Toledo grad do when he saw a sign that said "just say no to crack"? He pulled his pants up.
You’re from Toledo if your girlfriend has over 6 piercings and you can't see any of them.
What is 40-foot-long and has 19 teeth? A Toledo bus.
A Toledo man heads in to see his doctor because he has a serious health concern. He gets to his doctor’s office and says "Doctor doctor, I am really worried, I accidentally swallowed an ice cube last week and I haven't seen it since."
What is the easiest way to tell that a Toledo man is married? There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
Why do you hardly ever see a sick Toledo person? Viruses have their standards too.
You know you’re from Toledo when you finally get to cutting the grass and find a car.
You know you’re from Toledo when you think the stock market has a fence around it.
You know you’re from Toledo when your family tree is just one long trunk with no branches.
You know you’re from Toledo when your beard attracts birds
You know you’re from Toledo when you only remove your toothpick for wedding pictures.
You know you’re from Toledo when the supermarket is closed you try to run animals over.
You know you’re from Toledo when going to the toilet at night time results in muddy boots.
You know you’re from Toledo when you have a nasty fall and the only thing you manage to save is your beer.
You know you’re from Toledo when you go to the dump you come back with more stuff than you left with.
A Toledo birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Why are Toledo grads like diapers? They’re usually full of ****, but thankfully disposable.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and a Toledo grad who have been run over by a car? For the Toledo grad, there won't be any skid marks.
A Bowling Green grad, an NIU grad and a Toledo grad are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
”A woman,” asks the Bowling Green grad.
”A telephone,” says the NIU grad.
”A cigarette,” says the Toledo grad k.
Thirty years later the asks the Bowling Green grad walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The NIU grad strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The Toledo grad walks out and says, ”Has anyone got a match?”
A Bowling Green grad, an NIU grad and a Toledo grad are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words. He says, 'I'm innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I’m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. I was hoping you would say something so that the family of the man that you killed, would have some closure'.
They strap the Bowling Green grad into the chair, and the warden tells them to throw the switch.
Nothing happens. The executioner wiggles the handle, throws the switch again, nothing.
The warden comes down, and says, 'That was a million to one chance; but, you know the rules, you survived the execution, so you will now go free'.
The Bowling Green grad is ecstatic, gets up shakes the warden's hand, and says, 'See, I told you! God has saved me because I'm innocent! I will dedicate the rest of my life, to helping spread the word of god, I will only do good works from now on Thank you, sir, I'm very lucky to have had this second chance in life'.
Then they walk the NIU grad in; again, the warden asks if he has any final words.
The NIU grad says, 'I'm innocent, you’re making a big mistake'.
The warden shakes it off, and says, 'Yeah, I've heard that one before'.
They strap him into the chair, and throw the switch. Again, nothing, again and again.
The warden comes in, and says, 'This is amazing; this the second time in a row that this has happened; it has to be a billion to one chance. It must be a sign from god that you're telling the truth. I'm sorry I doubted you. You may go free'.
The NIU grad n gets up, joyful, tear in his eyes, and says, 'Thank you thank you thank you! I was so scared, and yet, chance has smiled on me! He gets up and leaves.
Then they bring in the Toledo grad. The warden again asks, 'Do you have any final words?'
The Toledo grad says, 'Yes. But first, look, that chair is unplugged'.
How do you break a Toledo grad’s finger? Punch him in the nose.
Three guys are sitting in a bar
The first guy says, "Hey, you two wanna hear Toledo joke?". The bartender says "Hey, take it easy, I'm from Toledo". The first guy says "That's ok, I'll tell it slow"
Three guys, a Bowling Green grad, a NIU grad, and a Toledo grad were working construction together on a high rise. Every day at lunch, they would sit and eat together on an I-Beam, high above the city. Bowling Green grad opens his lunch and says, "Man, I'm tired of getting the same meatball sandwich every day. If I get the same lunch tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this beam." NIU grad opens his lunch, "If I get the same damn ham and cheese sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump too!" Toledo grad opens his lunch and says, "And if I get the same sausage on whole wheat tomorrow, I'll jump with both of you! I've had it!"
The next day at work, the Bowling Green grad opens his lunch, "Meatballs again. Jesus." He jumps from the beam. NIU grad opens his lunch, "Ham and cheese? Really?" He shakes his head and jumps. Toledo grad guy opens his lunch, "Sausage on whole wheat. Again." and he jumps.
A few days later, the company held a wake for the workers who had recently died. At the wake, the wives of the men who jumped were speaking amongst themselves. The Bowling Green grad's wife says, "I didn't know he hated my cooking so much. I wouldn't have kept making him the same thing if I knew this would happen!" The NIU grad’s wife responds, "And I wouldn't have kept making ham and cheese!" The Toledo grad 's wife says, "I don't know why my husband killed himself - He made his own lunch."
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* * * O f f i c i a l "ToE-LEe-dOH" AKA Non-Rival Pre-Game Thread * * *
Save these for Marshall or Arkansas.
