Joining John on the panel this week are:

-K.C. Keeler, Head Football Coach at Sam Houston State University
-Mike Houston, Head Football Coach at James Madison University
-Lou Holtz, Former Head Football Coach at Notre Dame and ESPN College Football Analyst
-Lefty Driesell, Former Maryland* Head Basketball Coach and long time panel favorite

McLaughlin: "Welcome. Welcome, panel. ENOUGH of the pleasantries. Let's get started. FIRST ISSUE! Richmond at Sam Houston State in the opener...who ya got? SOFT AS A BABY'S BOTTOM!"

Keeler: "Uh, I guess you're talking to me, John?"

McLaughlin: "Even Granny is tougher than you. Of course I'm talking to you. NOW ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!"

Keeler: "Well, we're gonna win of course, John. The game is at home. It isn't in 19 degree weather. Our quarterback isn't hurt."

McLaughlin: "Hmmm...I'll come back to you. Until then, think up more excuses, Whiner! Question is to you, WHINER ABUSER!"

Houston: "Ha. I guess that's me, John."

McLaughlin: "Ya think? I'm looking right at you, Nitwit! Now, answer the damn question!"

Houston: "I'm going with Richmond. Sorry, K.C. Gotta go with our conference and in-state institution."

McLaughlin: "You don't really believe that do you, Smart Guy? You're pathetic. GRANNY CLAMPETT!"

Holtz: "Well Johnth, I liketh the Spidersth, buth I've got to go with Samth Houstonth Stateth at hometh."

McLaughlin: "Good God! Somebody bring the panel and me an umbrella. This guy spits more than a major league pitcher. SENILE AND PROUD!"

Lefty: "Weuh, I don't know much 'bout that thar footbaw, John. But, I do know one thang. And, that's we gone win dat ACC twophy and put it on the hood of my caw and ride thoo the state of Narth Carlina yellin' 'HEY DEANO, EAT ME!'"

(the crowd applauds and laughs as they love Lefty)

McLaughlin: "I can't believe it. You do that same stupid bit every week and these morons in the audience eat it up. You're all WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRONG! Well, except for Houston. Richmond wins in 4 overtimes 97-95. NEXT ISSUE! Same Labor Day weekend. James Madison at East Carolina. Who ya got? SUMMER'S EVE!"

Keeler: "Ha. I guess that's me, John?"

McLaughlin: "Douchesayswhat?"

Keeler: "What?"

McLaughlin (laughing): "Geez, you're dumb. Yes, you. ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!"

Keeler: "Well John, since Mike picked Richmond against us, I'll return the favor and go with ECU."

McLaughlin: "Figures. CONFERENCE DEFENDER BOY!"

Houston: "Ha ha. I guess that's me. Well, I've got 115 reasons why the Dukes of JMU are going down to ECU to open the season with a win, John."

McLaughlin: "Look idiot, the insurance sales bass turds from North Carolina they call college referees down there in Hickville will cost more than 115 bucks to pay off."

Houston: "I'm not talking about paying off refs, John. We don't need that. I've got 115 team members to get the win. LOCK THE DAMN GATES, BABY!"

McLaughlin: "Look. I don't care if you won a national championship. Don't raise your voice to me. This is MY show. And, I don't have any clue about what gates you are talking about anyway. Do you have some kind of security issue down there in the Shenandoah Valley or something? ELLIE MAY WAS HOT!"

Holtz: "Well Johnth, my son Skipth used to be headth coachth at ECUth. In facth, it's one of the fewth schools the Holtzth family hasn't left on NCAA probationth. I gotta go with ECUth."

McLaughlin: "You're a disgrace. Whoever is booking the talent for these panels is going to be fired. DO I DARE EVEN ASK?"

Lefty: "Weuh, John. As you know, I don't know much 'bout that thar footbaw. But, I did coach at JMU once and so I'm gonna go with ECU."

McLaughlin: "That makes no sense. But, I guess for you making no sense actually makes sense. You're all WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRONG. Except for Houston. JMU wins at ECU, 67-2. LAST ISSUE! What is the best douche to use? START WITH AN EXPERT!"

Keeler: "I go back and forth between Summer's Eve and Massengill. Usually I shop around for best prices when picking up ingredients for quiche I cook."

McLaughlin: "You would. I'VE GOT YOUR GATES RIGHT HERE, PAL!"

Houston: "I have no idea, John. I usually consult with the folks at UVA on matters like this. I'll have to get back with you."

McLaughlin: "That makes sense. Which means you'll never be invited back to this show again. SPITTY McWRINKLEFACE!"

Holtz: "I just use spitth, Johnth."

McLaughlin: "Of course you do. CAN WE GET THIS DAMN SHOW OVER WITH?"

Lefty: "Weuh, John. I don't know much 'bout that thar douche. But, I know that Keeler guy down there needs some. He stanks."

McLaughlin: "Somebody please shoot me. You are all WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRONG. Except for Houston. I'll ask the folks at UVA. That's all for tonight. Good night."

The show ends with Keeler checking out weekly circulars for douche specials. Houston is talking to Studio Security about locking the doors. Holtz is picking his nose. And, Lefty is asleep. McLaughlin is cursing out his talent coordinator.

* - they'd never mention JMU head basketball coach on The McLaughlin Group

This was really good until Houston didn't sign off with "Go Deyukes" - lost all credibility

well done...a good laugh

My only complaint is they were too nice to Keeler.

Sometimes the best stuff comes in the college sports doldrums of summer

Good stuff Wear Purple!

WP:

You are one funny dude. Thanks for the laughs to keep us going until kickoff on September. 2nd.

Good stuff WP!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

that was worth your effort! Well done and Thanks!

(06-27-2017 07:44 AM)Wear Purple Wrote:  McLaughlin: "Welcome. Welcome, panel. ENOUGH of the pleasantries. Let's get started. FIRST ISSUE! Richmond at Sam Houston State in the opener...who ya got? SOFT AS A BABY'S BOTTOM!"

Fun read, but I have a minor quibble. McLaughlin's starting phrase was always: ISSUE ONE!