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Ok, I am stealing this from Cougarboard, where it was stolen from a Wyoming message board. It's the funniest thing I have read in a while and thought you all would enjoy it!
By Gary Coleman, Head of Security for University of Utah and TCS Mole
COLORADO SPRINGS--Total Crimson Sports was able to obtain an exclusive transcript of an emergency MWC meeting to discuss a plan of action for expansion by staking out the board room disguised as a drinking fountain. The transcript picks up with Craig Thompson opening the meeting.
Thompson: I'd like to thank everyone coming to this meeting to brainstorm ideas for improving our conference image today. But first I must say that I'm more than a bit offended that I've been here for 45 seconds and nobody has commented on my hair yet.
BYU: Can we start this meeting with a word of prayer?
Thompson: Ahem. That's not how we ask for things here, BYU. Say the magic words.
BYU: Oh sorry. Your hair looks more beautiful than a December evening in Memphis, Mr. Commissioner Sir. Now may we open with a prayer?
Thompson: Any objections?
Everyone Else: Yes!
Thompson: Proceed.
BYU: Dear Lord, we thank you for Ty Detmer's Heisman and 1984 and the win over Miami and the fact that we've gotten every recruit we've ever wanted and please help us to remember these things. And please help us to make the BCS and protect us from the temptations and bad influence of our neighbors to the north with their belly dancers and attractive women. And if you have time, please smite Ann Richards with a curse....
Wyoming: (Firing pistol into the air) That's enough!
Thompson: (Patting his hair) Okay, let's get to business. First we need to read the minutes from our last meeting. Pesky Air Force, will you proceed?
Air Force: (Saluting) Minutes will now be read, sir! In our last meeting, it was proposed by SDSU that "Partying Down" be added as an official conference sport. UNLV and Utah supported the motion. Proposal was eventually scrapped because Air Force doesn't put up with that kind of crap. After that, CSU and Wyoming fought over "tastes great/less filling" like a couple of jello wrestlers....
BYU: Mmmmmm....Jello....
Air Force: ....At which point New Mexico had to leave to go to its second job at the circus.
New Mexico: They let me burn things!
Thompson: Okay people, we've got to do something to enhance the image of this conference. My hair is getting tired of carrying all of you and my plan to keep our games off TV hasn't worked.
Colorado State: We've been reaching out to our demographic by using a highly successful quarterback with a mullet. Our numbers show that MWC ratings have sky-rocketed in trailer parks during Van Pelt's career. What will the rest of you bring this conference?
Utah: Free beer!
UNLV: We've loosened our slots and the glory days of UNLV basketball are about to return, the good old days of Larry Johnson and Elmore Spencer feasting on opposing teams' point guards. And the glory nights of Las Vegas are here to stay. For $75 a night you can get a deluxe room and an exotic ho....
BYU: Ow, my freakin' ears!
Wyoming: People with big hats that eat dirt can relate to us.
New Mexico: We light fires and watch them burn!
SDSU: Would it help if the biggest media market in the conference were actually competitive in something?
BYU: We already are. Don't you know we beat Miami? Plus, look at our rankings in the Sears Cup standings. If we can just make a push in thumb-wrestling, we'll be in contention for an automatic can opener.
Thompson: We've got to do more people.
BYU: Hey, I know. We'll put BYU games on every station, people will have no choice but to watch. Then we'll send out a fleet of fine young men to go door to door and spread the message of BYU sports. There will be nobody to stop us. All opposition to the BYU empire will be crushed!
Thompson: Hey Wyoming, put the gun down. I know many of us want to shoot BYU but this place is bugged. Hey, what's that sheep-goat a-doing in here?
Colorado State: Sorry, I get bored when BYU goes on one of his glory rants.
Thompson: Okay, focus people. CSU, put the sheep-goat away. Wyoming, put the guns and eye-patches and big hats and beers away. UNLV, put the cards and hookers away. Air Force, put the model plane away. New Mexico, put the flaming circus midget away. SDSU, put the sexy Aztec warrior away. Utah, put the research away. Let's get back on topic here.
Wyoming: How about if we add a team that we can actually beat in football?
Air Force: Yeah and one that we can actually beat in basketball.
Thompson: That's it! If we add more mediocre teams to this conference then the BCS is bound to make a spot for us!
Utah: Since we are a research institution we took the liberty of bringing in the representatives from our most plausible candidates for admission into the MWC, despite the fact that expansion here is frivolous and possibly counterproductive.
UNLV: Wha?
Utah: That means we got some people that want to join the MWC even though it sucks. (Going to the door) Come on in and make your pitch everybody. Who's first?
Utah State: (Wearing a barrell with straps) Howdy y'all. If you put me in this here conference....
Wyoming: Hey, you stole my bit! (Fires pistol into the air causing USU to run off)
BYU: Thanks, we laugh in Utah State's face. Who's next?
Nevada: Remember me?!
BYU: Noooooooooooooooo!
Utah: Shut your pie-hole BYU, or we'll all tear you a new jello-shoot.
Nevada: I'm like UNLV, only I suck.
UNLV: You're our Utah State. Next.
Fresno State: Me like foos-ball. Me be like it be like unpossible to have foos-ball me say to the dealer me....
Utah: Next!
Idaho: Hi, I'm Idaho.
Everyone: Next!
TCU: I will join the MWC to be your over-zealous proseletyzing institution and ruin all of your fun with my holier-than-thou, condescending attitude.
BYU: Sorry, that job is taken. Next!
Tulane: (wearing straw hat) Hey, I bring you all to mardi-gras.
New Mexico: Can we light fires there?
Tulane: You can doooo it!
BYU: Can we come too? Oh, but I'm scared to see what you do there.....
Tulane: You can doooo it!
Utah: Well, you don't offer much athletically but so far you're the best candidate. Next.
San Jose State: Hi....
Everyone: Next!
Tulsa: Remember Shea Seals and Michael Ruffin? Well, that powerful basketball tradition is still alive and well at Tulsa.
Colorado State: What about your football program?
Tulsa: (Sounding it out) Ffffffoooooottttt-bbbbaaaaaallllll?
Colorado State: Next.
Boise State: Boise say hello to you. We got lots of tractors, potatoes and three-legged smell-hounds. Plus, Boise know what it like to be picked on by big bully civilized schools with their fancy computers and indoor plumbing.
Wyoming: A pain that I can relate to.
Boise State: I thought I was the only one.
Wyoming: Plus, I love your "Who Farted?" shirt.
Boise State: So this is what it feels like when doves cry? (Wyoming and Boise State embrace as soulmates)
Colorado State: Hey, what do you think of my frayed t-shirt with Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo?
Wyoming: Hillbilly!
Thompson: I haven't washed my hair for 15 minutes, this meeting is adjourned.
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