Just for those that need to lighten the mood once in a while, let's use this thread to post all those e-mail funnies that slam the opposition.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Subject: Fourth Wedding

There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said:, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time-for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"

"Well" replied the customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride."

"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel.

"My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk:.

"Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat, and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road


HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels
of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting
a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there
is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans
take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I
say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took
from you to build a road for chickens to cross.


MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other
side'. That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side."

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook,
- and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicke n?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much
rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

Got this from my Contemporary History Class:

The "Two Cow Explanation" of what makes...

A Christian Democrat:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A Socialist (or a Canadian New Democrat):
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A Republican (or a Canadian Conservative):
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A Democrat (or a Canadian Liberal):
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A Communist:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with a little milk.

A Fascist:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Democracy, American Style:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

Capitalism, American Style:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Bureaucracy, American Style:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

An American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A German Corporation: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

An Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Mexican Corporation: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A Brazilian Corporation: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

An Indian Corporation: You have two cows. You worship them.

Two Louisiana alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. . . I just don't get it."

"Well, " said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"

"Been feeding on Democrats," replied the small 'gator."

"Hmm.....Well, where do ya catch 'em?"

"Down at tha' other side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by Boudreaux's."

"Hmm.....How do ya catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under their car and waits fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jumps out, grabs 'em on the leg, shake the cr ap out of 'em, and eats 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the cr ap out of a Democrat, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Kerry and Edwards are on a morning jog, they pass a 6 year old girl pulling 5 new puppies in her wagon. Always looking for a photo op, they stop and talk to her and ask what kind of puppies they are. She replies "These are Democrat puppies". Well, the duo decide that they missed the media chance of a lifetime. so they decide to get a camera crew to follow them every morning until they see the little girl again to get the "democrat puppies" on tape. A week or so later Kerry and Edwards are out jogging again and see the same little girl again pulling her wagon with her 5 puppies. With camera crew in tow, they stop and ask the little girl if they can see the "democrat puppies" The little girl replies she does not have any democrat puppies that her puppies are republicans. Kerry, of course, demands and immediate explaination. The little girl replies "well when you saw them they were democrats but yesterday they finally opened their eyes and now they are Republicans"

Father-Daughter Talk



A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth.



She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich & the addition of more government welfare programs.



Based on the lectures that she had participated in the occasional chat with a professor she felt that for years her father had obviously harbors an evil, even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be
the truth and she indicated so to her father.



He stopped her and asked her point b lank, how she was doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had tome to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even
have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying.



Her father listened and then asked, " How is your good friend Mary doing?"



She replied, "Mary is barely getting by." She continued, "She barely has a 2.0 GPA<" a
dding, "all she takes are easy classes and she never studies. But Mary is so very popular on campu
s, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even
show up for classes because she is too hung over."



Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him
to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "Th
at way you will both have 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be fair and equal distribution of GPA."




The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired back, "That would
n't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she
played while I worked real hard!"



The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Due to lack of use, funnies are un-pinned!

The White House - 2005
One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
meet with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not
President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry". The
Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not
President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again
walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow!"