(05-15-2019 08:46 PM)Cyniclone Wrote:  *footage from today's realignment draft*
With the second pick in the CSN Realignment Mock Draft and Erotic Car Wash, the Big South Conference proudly welcomes ... James Madison University from the Colonial Athletic Association.



Casey McCall: James Madison University, welcome to the Big South! Surprised, Dan?
Dan Rydell: Surprised that JMU was even available. Had the Colonial Athletic Association participated in this … whatever we’re calling this; a draft? A redistribution? A hootenanny?
Casey: Do you even know what a hootenanny is?
Dan: Obviously, Casey, it’s … an Appalachian colloquialism that was used in early 20th century America as a placeholder name to refer to things whose names were forgotten or …
Casey: Wait, are you reading from the Wikipedia page?
Dan: … no …
Casey: You are! I see Wikipedia on the iPhone you just shoved down your pants
Dan: … no you didn’t …
Casey: Boy, your Google suggestions are about to get strange
Producer (off-camera): Guys … JMU?
Dan: Right, sorry, sorry. Anyway, if the CAA was playing this game, JMU would absolutely be one of the five schools protected from the prying eyes and sticky fingers of not only other FCS conferences in the region, but possibly the likes of Conference USA and the Sun Belt. But by the time they started showing interest, they were a day late and a dollar short, and with that, the Dukes find themselves in the neighboring Big South Conference.
Casey: Once the CAA left its schools unprotected, the only question for Big South GM Cy Nick Lowne—
Dan: Now THAT’s a tortured name
Casey: Right? So the only question he had is what to do if the Patriot League used the first overall pick to take JMU. They didn’t, and here we are.
Dan: Casey, good pick … or BEST pick?
Casey: Oh no doubt, this is Lowne’s dream come true. Since taking the GM position, he’s been consistent in saying that he wants to make this the best possible version of the Big South, and JMU is the best school available to be part of that vision.
Dan: When we talk about the Dukes, well, we’re obviously going to talk about football.
*footage from CAA games at Bridgeforth Stadium*
Casey: Right you are, Dan; the Dukes are hand-in-hand with mighty North Dakota State the class of FCS football. Two national titles, almost unbeatable at home in front of crowds that would make a MAC school drool, they’re always competitive in the tough-as-a-Dollar-Tree steak CAA, they don’t miss a beat even when their coaches leave for greener pastures …
*footage from the Sept. 11, 2010 JMU-Virginia Tech game*
Dan: And they don’t collapse on the fainting couch when they face big-name competition. In the past 10 seasons, the Dukes have beaten FBS schools like SMU, East Carolina, and most memorably, the No. 13 Virginia Tech Hokies in 2010, just the second time in the modern era that a team from FCS had beaten a ranked FBS opponent.
Casey: You say “21-16” in certain parts of the Commonwealth even after all this time, some folks still tuck in those turkey necks.
Dan: Is THAT what that’s supposed to be? A turkey?
Casey: I don’t know, why don’t you reach down your pants and find out?
Dan: Are you TRYING to get us fired?
Casey: Thought’s crossed my mind.
Dan: OK, moving on and being professional and not for a second thinking about telling on you to Dana
Casey: *glowers*
Dan: What else do the Dukes bring to the Big South credenza?
Casey: You can just say “table,” Dan, you’re not auditioning for a job in the West Wing
Dan: Am I not?
Casey: I … OK, pushing this forward, we know that non-revenue sports don’t get a lot of attention unless a sprinter sets the 100-meter world record at a random meet or the starting center fielder proposes to his best girl when he hits a 400-foot blast that hits the scoreboard and triggers a WILL YOU MARRY ME sign, but JMU has had plenty of success there as well.
*footage from the 2018 NCAA women’s lacrosse title match*
Casey: Last season, the Dukes women’s lacrosse team won its first national title, the softball team just went to their seventh straight NCAA tournament, and while I’d never call them a non-revenue sport under penalty of a stern talking-to from Natalie, the women’s basketball program is one of just eight in Division 1 to win at least 1,000 games.
Dan: That’s a lot of “well, the senior leadership really stepped it up for us” quotes in postgame press conferences, Case.
Casey: Dan, do the Dukes have any weakness?
*footage from last season’s 73-58 loss at home to Elon*
Dan: The men’s version of women’s basketball. Just two trips to the NCAAs in 36 years for JMU and three straight seasons of at least 19 losses as the once-vibrant Electric Zoo at the Convocation Center has turned into your hoarder aunt’s studio apartment with 14 feral cats.
Casey: She’s down to eight! She’s working out her issues!
Dan: But Lowne says he’s optimistic that their new arena will regenerate interest from the fans, and hopefully that’ll translate to the court.
Casey: Speaking of JMU fans, they’re probably not that happy right now. How does Lowne handle that?
Dan: Obviously they’re not alone as athletic programs across the country are being uprooted like trailer homes in a tornado outbreak and flung all over the place. And at least right now, JMU fans are going from fantasizing about someday moving to FBS, to home-and-homes with Campbell and Charleston Southern. But Lowne reminded them that this is a work in progress, and the Big South of years past will have little in common with the Big South going forward.
Casey: Ugh, going forward. The Dilbertization of American culture continues apace.
Dan: Dilbert? Is that even still a thing? Did you pick up a Dilbert book at Spencer’s on your way to Tower Records to buy the Sugar Ray album for your mini-disc player?
Casey: I just wanna fly, Dan, is there anything wrong with that?
Dan: Not at all, Case, not at all. Anyway, he’s Casey, I’m Dan, we’re in the first round of the College Athletic Department Draft, so don’t you dare change the channel, we’re just getting started!
Casey: Have you seen our ratings? We might be just getting finished before that.
Dan: Oh not this again, cable sports is a future-proof industry, we’ll be here long after the internet thing busts …
*fade to commercial*