Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too,
but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
A ghost joke:
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: Why did the banana go to the Dr?
A: Because it was not peeling well
A boy was at a public pool and the lifeguard blew his whistle and yelled “Hey quit peeing in the pool!”
The boy replied “But everybody does it!”
“Not from the diving board!!” shouted the lifeguard.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
Why was the computer so angry?
Because it had a chip on its shoulder.
Why did the computer get glasses?
To improve its web sight
Why did the computer sneeze?
It had a virus.
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1.5 tons.
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
"Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out.... but I can usually sedate her with four or five doughnuts."
My gym teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"
Overweight blonde joke
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Cegonsoft
