Quote:1) OK, so first, delete every single email you have that has to do with this. If you’re hitting around 33,000 you know you’re doing good work. If anyone asks, just tell them you had pictures of your grand kids and yoga instructions and wanted to clear them out. Did you do that? Ok good.

2) Second, send one of your people to Reddit and ask them how to permanently and irreversibly destroy electronic evidence. Those Reddit people are super smart and should be able to help you out. In case they don’t, here’s a pro-tip- there’s this cloth or something, called Bleachbit that will get rid of everything on your hard drive so no one can recover anything.

3) Next – how many cell phones do you have? You’re about to have 0 – smash those little bastrds with a hammer and destroy them.

4) This next part you may have needed some vision for, but was there anyone who helped you get away with stuff in the 90s? Like a lawyer who cleared you of a number of scandals as you were moving up the political ladder? If so, make that guy the FBI Director. Trust me, it’ll come in handy later.

5) While you’ve got that going on, have your spouse take a little trip down to the airport and sit down with the DOJ head on the tarmac of their plane. Obviously talk about how you’re gonna get out of this, but if anyone asks, make sure to tell them you were checking in on their grandkids.

6) OK, so here’s the long, drawn out part. Those jerks in Congress are probably going to call you in for a bunch of hearings. I have an industry secret though… just say you can’t remember anything! Not recalling something is the easiest way for people to never look into your past again cause if you can’t remember it, it didn’t happen! If things are taking too long, just ask them what difference, at this point, does it make and shrug it off. Make sure to look really bored. They know you’re an important person so they’ll leave you alone after that.

7) OK, remember that FBI Director I mentioned before? Cool… basically since y’all have been good friends for a long time, that guy is gonna clear you of all charges. He’ll say that there was no evidence that you acted with ‘necessary criminal intent’. He might get fired for it but so what? He owes you, and big time.

8) Lastly, it will help if you have a satanic child sex slave ring and Pedophile that’s heavily entrenched in the entertainment industry. I know that sounds weird, but they take care of their own like you were their own children. Only downside is they think they’re hot sh*t, but don’t let it get to you.