A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. The driver was a bearded man wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
We had a power outage last week and my PC and TV were shut down. And since we had the ice storm I couldn't golf.
So I talked to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
A computer programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says, "A beer please. And one for the road."
For the next few days I will provide some interesting wordplay in lieu of new jokes. For "lexophiles" (lovers of words - part 1 of 3)
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He's all right now.
For "lexophiles" (lovers of words - part 2 of 3)
He had a photographic memory which never developed.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Santa's little helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference, Who acquired his size from too much pi.
For "lexophiles" (lovers of words - part 3 of 3):
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was prosecuted for littering.
Two silk-worms had a race; the result was a tie.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation center said: "Keep off the Grass."
Old soldiers who survived mustard gas and pepper spray are now seasoned veterans.
Don't join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.
Given the weather situation in Michigan this week, I'll try to post appropriately.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Christmas Eve is also the last shopping day before Christmas. Here is a little shopping story that illustrates how differently men and women think.
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall. The wife turns around to find that her husband had disappeared. Upset, she calls him on his cellphone and asks where the heck he is. He asks, "Remember that jewelry store I bought that diamond necklace for you 30 years ago when we fell in love?" She becomes teary eyed and starts to cry. "OMG!! Yes! I do!!"
He says, "Well I'm at the pub next door."
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh, there's more". He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything - not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He was never known to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his darn wife."
Logic 101
Woman: "Do you drink beer?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "How many beers a day?"
Man: "Usually about 3."
Woman: "How much do you pay per beer?"
Man: "$5.00 which includes a tip."
Woman: "And how long have you been drinking?"
Man: "About 20 years, I suppose."
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers s a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?"
Man: "Correct."
Woman: "If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at about $108,000, correct?"
Man: "Correct."
Woman: "Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?"
Man: "Do you drink beer?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Where's your Ferrari?"
Whinney gets pulled over for speeding...
Whinney: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Whinney: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Whinney: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Whinney: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Whinney: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Whinney: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Whinney: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Whinney: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at Whinney and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! Whinney steps out of her vehicle.
Whinney: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Whinney: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
Whinney opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Whinney: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
Whinney digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Whinney: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
(Don't Mess With Older Broncos.)
Heard it before, but the Whinny thing fits perfect!
Bam. Love it.
Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the UP.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been falling and is nearly neck high. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.