A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had
a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd
lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift
itself."
(05-06-2009 02:48 PM)missjtiger Wrote: [ -> ]A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had
a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd
lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift
itself."
Ha! Nice.
/a variation on the old Winston Churchill story. Winnie is at a cocktail party blasting down whiskey and saying embarrassing things. A society matron, hearing him be crude in polite company, said:
"Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband I would shoot you!"
Churchill replied: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would let you."
Diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart has everything!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.