25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
It ain't the jeans that makes your butt fat.
>> The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
>> fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on
>> Brooklyn Tony.
>>
>> He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
>> The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
>> thinking."
>>
>> Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3
>> women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking
>> the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
>> down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream.
>> Which one is married?"
>> The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
>> one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
>>
>> To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one
>> with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
>>
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony ON MATH
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
>> "Why?" asks the father.
>>
>> The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
>>
>> "But that's right!" says his dad.
>>
>> "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"
>>
>> "What's the f**king difference ?" asks the father.
>>
>> "That's what I said!"
>>
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
>> going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
>> example of a multi-syllable word?"
>>
>> TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
>>
>> Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a
mouthful."
>>
>> Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl0wj0b."
>>
>>
>> Brooklyn
>>
>> Tony ON GRAMMAR
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
>> needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to
>> take a piss!"
>>
>> The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use
>> in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'.
>> Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
>> allow you to go."
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight,
>> but if you had bigger t!ts, you'd be a TEN!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
>>
>> One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
>> show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
>> same sentence twice.
>>
>> First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
>> bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
>>
>> "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
>> Michael.
>>
>> "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
>>
>> She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
>>
>> Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
>>
>> "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
>> was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful!' "
>>
>>
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
>> after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him
>> said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
>> will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107
>> years old."
>>
>>
>> The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
>>
>> Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business
Brooklyn Tony is great!!! lmfao
A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding
night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I
give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"
"I wanna numma 69" she replies.
"You wanna beef with bloccolli?
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a sh*t about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little B!tch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that b!tch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
Subject:Semantics Finally Understood
When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George
Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I
allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It
was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason,! James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you in Heaven.
What did you think I said?"
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards him. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, " business... I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,"What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecture," she replied "I'm the lead lecturer and I use information I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
She explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most apt to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I've also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am so sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
God looked down from heaven on the Garden and saw Adam but no Eve.
"Adam," God said, "where's Eve?"
"Well," Adam replied, "we just got finished, you know, trying to populate the Earth, and she went down to the ocean to take a bath."
God shouted, "Sh!t, I'll never get that smell out of fish!!!"
Birthday Wish
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up, so surprise me!"
He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
7 Kinds of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
The Little Firefighter
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
(I LOVE THIS ONE!!)
CHURCH PHONE
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book About churches around the country. He started by Flying to San Francisco, and started working east from There.
Going to a very large church, he began taking Photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden Telephone on the vestibule wall, and was Intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per Minute".
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the Phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the Golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and If he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The Man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, He found more such phones, with the same sign, and the Same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Tennessee. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the Usual golden telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read:
"Calls: 25 cents"! Fascinated, the man asked to speak With the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all Across the country and in each church I have found This golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct Line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 Per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call
Why is that?"
(I just love this part!)
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in The South now. It's a local call !"