Quote:U.S.—SC Johnson is living up to its family company moniker with the release of a new line of pest repellents under their popular Off! brand. The new product is designed to repel President Joe Biden from children.

The innovative new product makes children smell like grown-ups, which studies have shown repels Biden under most circumstances. Material sent to retailers provides clear instructions to apply the repellent whenever a child is within twenty feet of the creepy old man.

"Our scientists work tirelessly to commit mosquito genocide, but after Biden was elected to the presidency, I redirected their efforts to keep Joe Biden away from children," said SC Johnson CEO Santos Carl Johnson. "As an added bonus, it also repels mosquitoes so it's a win-win."

President Biden would not comment on the new product line, which includes a traditional spray as well as scented candles and bracelets.

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki advised reporters to stop asking the question because it hurt Biden's public image. "The president is committed to uniting all Americans," said Psaki, "some of which are children. There's nothing untoward about attempting to fuse your body with others to end hate. Please stop asking."

At publishing time, an anonymous source within the White House has expressed frustration that the president is now intentionally trying to catch COVID so he can lose his sense of smell.