True Toledo Stories
What’s the difference between the Toledo football team and a Toledo cheerleader? They both suck for four quarters.
I'm not saying I hate Toledo fans, but I would unplug their life support to charge my phone.
A Toledo fan got married. After the ceremony unmarried friends went to a brothel. Unexpectedly they met the Groom there. They asked the Toledo groom what are you doing here now that you are married and have a beautiful young wife? The Toledo groom responded, she was so tired that fell asleep at once. I thought it is not worth to wake her up for just a few of dollars.
Unexpected sex for a Toledo fan is a great way to wake up when they are not in a prison
In the morning A Bowling Green graduate calls to his Toledo graduate boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The Toledo boss replies:
- You know Bowling Green employee, I really need you here today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bowling Green employee calls:
- Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.
One day during the family lunch the youngest son of a Toledo graduate asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
Daddy turns to his Toledo wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife
Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.
Daddy turns to his eldest son Bill and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.
Then father turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see son, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…
Toledo sex without condoms is magical... A baby appears and father disappears.
Have you heard? Mr. Candle, a Toledo professor from our apartment house is a gay! Wow, what a surprise! I have been sleeping with him for half of a year, but never knew he was a professor...
How do you tell if a Toledo girl is too fat to have sex with? When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.
What does a Toledo woman and carryout fried chicken have in common? By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Why doesn’t Toledo have athletic teams? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in Illinois.
What do you call a ninety-year old Toledo graduate that can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.
What in Toledo has two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.
What does a Toledo graduate do if his wife starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
What’s the best thing about a 18 year old Toledo coed in the shower? Slick her hair back and she looks 15.
Why are there only two pallbearers at a Toledo funeral? Garbage cans have only two handles.
A Toledo boy said to Santa, “Please send me a sister”. Santa said “OK, send me your mother”.
How do you get Toledo fans out of a tree? Wave to them.
What do you call a Toledo graduate that is behind bars? Anything you want.
How do you circumcise a Toledo graduate? Kick his sister in the mouth.
How many Toledo graduates does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
How many Toledo sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw it and one to take the picture.
Why do Toledo men have penises? To shut their sisters up.
What does it mean if a Toledo woman is in your bed grasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
A Toledo girl asks her mother how to spell *****. The other says you should have asked me last night when it was on the tip of my tongue.
What do Toledo hockey players and Toledo girls have in common? They only change their pads after the third period.
A Toledo fan recalls his first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to Toledo for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill, a Toledo graduate.
Bill: “While you are in Toledo, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”
Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”
A Toledo man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”
As an airplane is about to crash, a female Toledo graduatepassenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” An NIU man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
One day Mr. Smith and NIU graduate and president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave a Toledo graduate into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”
Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”
A Toledo girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
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