Winter is coming - get ready for that beautiful snow
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler
December 8-
It started to snow. The first snow of the season! The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic. We felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9-
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12-
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14-
Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15-
Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16-
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my backside on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17-
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Geez, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20-
Electricity is back on, but had another fourteen inches of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the hardware stores around town to see about buying a snow blower- and they're all sold out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22-
Bob was right about a white Christmas because thirteen more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt until August. Took me forty-five minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the S.O.B. is lying.
December 23-
Only two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to ZERO. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24-
Six inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his neck and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles per hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25-
Merry flipping Christmas! Twenty more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Good grief, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26-
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27-
Temperature dropped to -30. The pipes froze. Plumber came after fourteen hours of waiting for him and charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28-
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29-
Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30-
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars for the beating I gave him. The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31-
I set fire to what's left of the house. No...more...shoveling!
January 8 -
Feel sooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Hey- why am I tied to the bed?
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Winter is coming - get ready for that beautiful snow
