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OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need: (update) More prayers needed please
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Tanyaskees Offline
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Post: #1
OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need: (update) More prayers needed please
some positive thoughts and maybe even a prayer or 2. I didn't want to take this to Facebook, don't want to freak out my family, but I needed to get this out, cry...scream, whatever. I have been MIA for a while here, but since I have to appear strong for my family, I am here to unload on my Tigers family.

My dad has been sick for years, severe COPD. And the last 3 years he has had nerve damage from shingles that left him in pain all the time. Doctors tried everything from pain meds to neurostimulator to control his pain...nothing worked. At one point my mom asked me to take his gun, he was talking about killing himself, the pain was just too much. He didn't. Until September my mom, sister and I all took care of dad. In September my mom fell and fractured her pelvis. It went downhill from there. Right after that happened, she started to forget things and acting really strange. Over the next few months, many ER visits and several hospital stays she was diagnosed with dementia. My sister and I tried many things to keep her home and safe. We hire 24/7 help because my dad couldn't help take care of mom, he is very frail and weak. The people some of the agencies send us were downright scary. We tried several independent caregivers....that didn't go so well either.

Next step was assistant living. We moved them out of their house into a retirement community, Robinwood. That place is absolutely wonderful. We hired Right At Home to send people in 4 or 5 times a day to help them while we were both at work and that worked for a few months. Moms dementia was getting worse by the day and after the last hospital stay they send her to Memphis Jewish Home and Rehab for rehab and therapy. We found out very quickly that she was not ever coming home. I know this is getting long and if you want to stop reading, I get it. It's ok.

So now we have mom in a nursing home, dad in Robinwood and my sister and I running between the 2 places trying to care for both of them. At this point dad's depression is getting progressively worse and he is talking about suicide almost daily. He is mad at me for not giving him his gun back. My sister is begging him to move in with her. Her house was build with my parents in mind when they couldn't take care of themselves any longer. But dad absolutely refuses to go.

Yesterday morning I called to check on him and I could tell right away something was wrong. I called my sister, she is much closer. She took off over there while I went to see mom. Mom freaks out if I don't show up in the morning ( I go every morning before work and every night after work). She is convinced that everyone wants to kill her....having hallucinations about nazis all over that place and actually believes that we were all killed while she was sleeping. Dementia is one terrible disease. Anyway, my sister called 911 when she got to dad's, he was in so much pain but wasn't going to tell us. He is now in the hospital with fluid buildup around his heart, lungs and in his abdomen. They think he either has pneumonia or congestive heart failure. They also think he might have gallstones and may need his gallbladder removed. With his severe COPD surgery and anesthesia are very dangerous. I am terrified that if he has to have surgery, we will lose him. But I am also thinking that he has suffered so much and he is really ready to go. I feel guilty for wanting his suffering to end. Does that make me a terrible person? My sis and I are at the end of our ropes. How do people find strength to keep going?

Ok guys / girls, I have rambled way too long. Sorry about the long post. Mods, feel free to move this if you need to. I just needed to vent. I guess I am having a pity party for 1 in the middle of the night. I can't let my family see me falling apart, so again that's why I am spilling my heart here now. And if anyone managed to read this whole novel, thank you!!!

GTG!!!
(This post was last modified: 06-13-2015 05:15 PM by Tanyaskees.)
05-25-2015 03:39 AM
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holyterror Offline
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Post: #2
RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Prayers are going up for you all. I also prescribe spending some time in psalms. David speaks the language of lament when we think nobody can speak our language, even at 3:30.

This "honor your father and your mother" thing is not for wimps. But God hears and answers prayers of desperation by lending strength. Pm me if I can be of service.

Sorry. It stinks.
05-25-2015 03:49 AM
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Hoopla Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
I have no words of wisdom, holyterror said it best. Just know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are your virtual family. I can't say I've faced what you're facing, but I watched my dad slowly die from leukemia and renal failure. His kidneys took a long time to finally shut down, and even when they did he lived about three more days. It was heartbreaking. Like you, I felt guilty because I wanted his suffering to stop, even though it meant losing him forever. It was a relief when he passed peacefully in his sleep.

All you can do is your best. God will take care of the rest. Sometimes you have to dig really deep to find that extra store of strength, but it's there inside you. Never doubt that. Keep us posted. I'd wager this huge family of Tigers fans could create quite a prayer circle for you and yours.

And finally, take care of yourself. Treat yourself to a manicure, or heck, just a bubble bath, anything to pamper yourself a little. And don't feel guilty doing it. You have to take care of YOU before you can take care of others. Peace...
05-25-2015 04:07 AM
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oldmangrizz Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
There is a book that I suggest you read. It is titled "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" and is written by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Read some reviews of the book, at least to get an idea of the content. It was very helpful to me at a point in my life where I felt like I was at the end of my rope. Other than that, all I can offer is prayers.
05-25-2015 06:48 AM
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Tigerx3 Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
I lost my dad 10 years ago but I'm going through something similar to you with my mother now. A heart attack at home, a fall, her only kidney in failure, a severe UTI, another fall in the hospital. Now in rehab and dementia is advancing. At 87 she is frail but thinks she is always gong home tomorrow. Luckily she doesn't remember how long she was in the hospital and now rehab.

I'm blessed to have a brother and sister who live in her home town so I can call during the week and drive over on the weekends to relieve them. We know medical insurance will cover her in rehab for another 100 days and combined with Medicare she has enough money for maybe 2 years of nursing home care with out selling her house.

It is exhausting physically but the really hard part is the emotional drain as you watch a parent lose everything that makes them the strong caring mother that took care of you. We know her lifelong faith in God ensures her place in heaven. I will add your parents to my Dailey prayers as well as you and your sister. Remember to care for yourself and each other.

God Bles your difficult [/b]journey.

For all families, start early in panning for long-Term care of parents and your self. It's never easy and you want the best and most comfortable place for them to spend their final dependent time on earth. You can't always count on that being at home.
05-25-2015 06:50 AM
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DenverTigerFan Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Tanya.

I'm sad to hear about your families struggles. I'm sure you and your sister are completely worn out physically and emotionally. Times like these really test us. I can relate to some of your feelings. Recently my own father died of lung cancer after a long drawn out ordeal of health issues etc for years.

I, as well felt that truly the best thing for my father and for everyone else's health was for him to pass away and for that pain and suffering to leave with him. It's the toughest thing to wrap our heads around. As humans we are constantly trying to fix things even if that means other humans. It's only natural to want to do everything in your power to heal your father or mother or any other loved ones. But don't feel guilty, you may be in the minority but that doesn't make you a bad person. It may make you wiser even though you might not feel that way at the moment.

I was the daily caregiver for several years for my father. It's an honorable task,but it's hard. Certain people aren't suited to helping others. Caring for elderly or sick takes a special type of patience and love. After the past few years one of the proudest aspects of my fathers death was that I was able to care for him personally. I know I was fortunate to be able to be with him daily and it's impossible for others to be there because of jobs and other responsibilities..

It's going to sound cliche but enjoy whatever time with him as you can. Good or bad , big or small.....just remember.

In the moments and few days after my pops passed away I could feel the stress and fear etc start to ease away. Some days are harder now but at the time I could feel myself healing almost instantly. It sounds stupid. But I believe what I felt.

Have a good day Tanya, I hope some of these responses help you. I have much more I could say but at this point I feel like I'm rambling. And I don't really post here much so this feels like a lot of words.

Peace
05-25-2015 06:56 AM
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BealeStBruiser Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Prayers sent your way.
05-25-2015 08:14 AM
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truest blue tiger Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Don't pray for their healing, but for God's will to be done. But more importantly, that their souls are prepared to meet him. You and your sister are to be commended for taking care of your parents. All children don't do that, and in the end, they will have to answer for that.

My wife and her sister's have cared for two parents with Alzheimer's, one has passed but the other is still here at 90 years old. But they are there for him, just like you guys are for your parents. Take comfort in the fact that you have done all that you humanly can. And remember them when they were your parents, for you guys to love and care for them the way you are,they must have been wonderful parents.
05-25-2015 08:56 AM
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GermantownTiger Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
(05-25-2015 08:56 AM)truest blue tiger Wrote:  Don't pray for their healing, but for God's will to be done. But more importantly, that their souls are prepared to meet him. You and your sister are to be commended for taking care of your parents. All children don't do that, and in the end, they will have to answer for that.

My wife and her sister's have cared for two parents with Alzheimer's, one has passed but the other is still here at 90 years old. But they are there for him, just like you guys are for your parents. Take comfort in the fact that you have done all that you humanly can. And remember them when they were your parents, for you guys to love and care for them the way you are,they must have been wonderful parents.

Spot on! 04-rock
05-25-2015 09:22 AM
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TigerBill Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
(05-25-2015 03:39 AM)Tanyaskees Wrote:  some positive thoughts and maybe even a prayer or 2. I didn't want to take this to Facebook, don't want to freak out my family, but I needed to get this out, cry...scream, whatever. I have been MIA for a while here, but since I have to appear strong for my family, I am here to unload on my Tigers family.

My dad has been sick for years, severe COPD. And the last 3 years he has had nerve damage from shingles that left him in pain all the time. Doctors tried everything from pain meds to neurostimulator to control his pain...nothing worked. At one point my mom asked me to take his gun, he was talking about killing himself, the pain was just too much. He didn't. Until September my mom, sister and I all took care of dad. In September my mom fell and fractured her pelvis. It went downhill from there. Right after that happened, she started to forget things and acting really strange. Over the next few months, many ER visits and several hospital stays she was diagnosed with dementia. My sister and I tried many things to keep her home and safe. We hire 24/7 help because my dad couldn't help take care of mom, he is very frail and weak. The people some of the agencies send us were downright scary. We tried several independent caregivers....that didn't go so well either.

Next step was assistant living. We moved them out of their house into a retirement community, Robinwood. That place is absolutely wonderful. We hired Right At Home to send people in 4 or 5 times a day to help them while we were both at work and that worked for a few months. Moms dementia was getting worse by the day and after the last hospital stay they send her to Memphis Jewish Home and Rehab for rehab and therapy. We found out very quickly that she was not ever coming home. I know this is getting long and if you want to stop reading, I get it. It's ok.

So now we have mom in a nursing home, dad in Robinwood and my sister and I running between the 2 places trying to care for both of them. At this point dad's depression is getting progressively worse and he is talking about suicide almost daily. He is mad at me for not giving him his gun back. My sister is begging him to move in with her. Her house was build with my parents in mind when they couldn't take care of themselves any longer. But dad absolutely refuses to go.

Yesterday morning I called to check on him and I could tell right away something was wrong. I called my sister, she is much closer. She took off over there while I went to see mom. Mom freaks out if I don't show up in the morning ( I go every morning before work and every night after work). She is convinced that everyone wants to kill her....having hallucinations about nazis all over that place and actually believes that we were all killed while she was sleeping. Dementia is one terrible disease. Anyway, my sister called 911 when she got to dad's, he was in so much pain but wasn't going to tell us. He is now in the hospital with fluid buildup around his heart, lungs and in his abdomen. They think he either has pneumonia or congestive heart failure. They also think he might have gallstones and may need his gallbladder removed. With his severe COPD surgery and anesthesia are very dangerous. I am terrified that if he has to have surgery, we will lose him. But I am also thinking that he has suffered so much and he is really ready to go. I feel guilty for wanting his suffering to end. Does that make me a terrible person? My sis and I are at the end of our ropes. How do people find strength to keep going?

Ok guys / girls, I have rambled way too long. Sorry about the long post. Mods, feel free to move this if you need to. I just needed to vent. I guess I am having a pity party for 1 in the middle of the night. I can't let my family see me falling apart, so again that's why I am spilling my heart here now. And if anyone managed to read this whole novel, thank you!!!

GTG!!!

Why didn't you call me? Seriously. Maybe I could do something to help. Let me know.
05-25-2015 09:40 AM
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TigerBill Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
(05-25-2015 03:49 AM)holyterror Wrote:  Prayers are going up for you all. I also prescribe spending some time in psalms. David speaks the language of lament when we think nobody can speak our language, even at 3:30.

This "honor your father and your mother" thing is not for wimps. But God hears and answers prayers of desperation by lending strength. Pm me if I can be of service.

Sorry. It stinks.

Everybody here is right, and so is this. It's the hardest thing we can do, but it's the right thing to do. You are NOT the only one on this board going through this, Tanya. You are not alone.
05-25-2015 09:42 AM
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tiger1016 Offline
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OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Prayers sent you way.
05-25-2015 10:02 AM
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snowtiger Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Everyone has said the usual good stuff that helps..just gonna add this.

This may sound strange, when it was happening to my sister and my mom, it somehow assured me to hear that others who are now living 'normal' lives went through this stuff and came out the other side. So hard to separate from the pain of people we love--no, make that impossible. We have living family member some of whom are still in their prime. It's good to keep close to them when others are moving out.

Also, my father, when he was in the hospital with diagnosed nerve pain, begged for a gun, tried to bribe a nurse to bring him one. He was on one of the prescribed pain meds...called Lyrica....that is one of the side effects---thoughts of suicide. They took him off that one and he stopped talking about it. Do not take what your parents say right now to your heart.

Whatever you decide will be fine. Whatever thoughts go through your mind are fine. Your own mom or dad would tell you that if either were well. So Sorry,Tanya. Strength your way.
(This post was last modified: 05-25-2015 10:25 AM by snowtiger.)
05-25-2015 10:06 AM
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boss man Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Tanya, check your PM.

Some really good posts here on this issue. Key theme is you are NOT alone. Many of us have experienced this.
05-25-2015 10:19 AM
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MuchLuck Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Prayers sent.
05-25-2015 10:35 AM
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EarthBoundMisfit Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Tatyana...I've been through this myself...as have other members of my family.

Years ago, my father had chronic myeloid leukemia. He asked me to help him die. I told him that he was asking the wrong person...because I was selfish..and that I still needed him. He was later admitted to the hospital for dehydration. While I was on my way to see him at the hospital he supposedly 'fell' and hit his head on the guard rail on his bed trying to go to the bathroom. (Hospital speak for the attendant took him to the bathroom..and left him alone for 30 minutes.)
This was bunk...as I had to get under his arms and carry him myself when he was in his home.
He later died of a hematoma...internal bleeding in his skull.
I was grateful that he was unconscious...and wasn't feeling anything...and that he went so quickly. He didn't waste away per se.

My younger sister was raised by a foster family. Her foster mother and father, as well as all of her fosters mother's brothers and sisters died of alzheimers.
That weirded me out...one or two people...yeah I could see. But 7 people like that?

Anyways...I'm at a loss for answers. I had the option of giving my father a massive infusion of platelets to stop the internal bleeding, but I knew that wasn't what he would have wanted. He said that if he could not breathe on his own...no machines...so we had them turn the machines off. Hardest choice I had to make...because I was listed as next of kin...and I had to make that choice. (His leukemia diagnosis was 3-6 months of life left)
No, in answer to your earlier question...it doesn't make you a bad person for wanting his suffering to end. It makes you human...and a loving daughter.
It is the most helpless feeling in the world watching your loved ones connected to tubes, wires, being in pain...and knowing that there is nothing you can do to help them. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Just know that you are not alone...people are praying for you and your family and for comfort.
Above all...I'd just try to make him as comfortable as possible. If that means pain meds...then do that.
(This post was last modified: 05-25-2015 10:55 AM by EarthBoundMisfit.)
05-25-2015 10:52 AM
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TigerBill Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
(05-25-2015 10:52 AM)EarthBoundMisfit Wrote:  Tatyana...I've been through this myself...as have other members of my family.

Years ago, my father had chronic myeloid leukemia. He asked me to help him die. I told him that he was asking the wrong person...because I was selfish..and that I still needed him. He was later admitted to the hospital for dehydration. While I was on my way to see him at the hospital he supposedly 'fell' and hit his head on the guard rail on his bed trying to go to the bathroom. (Hospital speak for the attendant took him to the bathroom..and left him alone for 30 minutes.)
This was bunk...as I had to get under his arms and carry him myself when he was in his home.
He later died of a hematoma...internal bleeding in his skull.
I was grateful that he was unconscious...and wasn't feeling anything...and that he went so quickly. He didn't waste away per se.

My younger sister was raised by a foster family. Her foster mother and father, as well as all of her fosters mother's brothers and sisters died of alzheimers.
That weirded me out...one or two people...yeah I could see. But 7 people like that?

Anyways...I'm at a loss for answers. I had the option of giving my father a massive infusion of platelets to stop the internal bleeding, but I knew that wasn't what he would have wanted. He said that if he could not breathe on his own...no machines...so we had them turn the machines off. Hardest choice I had to make...because I was listed as next of kin...and I had to make that choice. (His leukemia diagnosis was 3-6 months of life left)
No, in answer to your earlier question...it doesn't make you a bad person for wanting his suffering to end. It makes you human...and a loving daughter.
It is the most helpless feeling in the world watching your loved ones connected to tubes, wires, being in pain...and knowing that there is nothing you can do to help them. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Just know that you are not alone...people are praying for you and your family and for comfort.
Above all...I'd just try to make him as comfortable as possible. If that means pain meds...then do that.

Poignant, and oh, so true.
05-25-2015 11:15 AM
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RockyMTNTiger Offline
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
(05-25-2015 08:56 AM)truest blue tiger Wrote:  Don't pray for their healing, but for God's will to be done. But more importantly, that their souls are prepared to meet him. You and your sister are to be commended for taking care of your parents. All children don't do that, and in the end, they will have to answer for that.

My wife and her sister's have cared for two parents with Alzheimer's, one has passed but the other is still here at 90 years old. But they are there for him, just like you guys are for your parents. Take comfort in the fact that you have done all that you humanly can. And remember them when they were your parents, for you guys to love and care for them the way you are,they must have been wonderful parents.

This about sums it up perfectly. Thankfully, God never gives us more than we can handle and the strength of character, love and commitment to your parents during this time is inspirational to us all. Prayers to your family Tanya and you have friends here if needed.
05-25-2015 01:10 PM
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Best wishes Tanya, please keep your head up.

(Edit: last part about 'having suffered enough' is understandable. We've all seen loved ones when the pain was greater than the joy of living. You're not wrong for thinking that. It's human).
(This post was last modified: 05-25-2015 01:31 PM by Sundanceuiuc.)
05-25-2015 01:29 PM
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RE: OT: I don't usually do this, but I really need
Praying for you Tanya. Couple of sayings that keep me going: one day at a time, this too shall pass, and all you can do is all you can do. Be gentle with yourself and try to take time to get rest, ask for help and don't feel as tho you have to "stay strong". God bless you Tanya!
05-25-2015 02:36 PM
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