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Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Your story reminds me of the wife who complained at length about how her husband of 20 years had never talked to her. When the therapist turned to the husband, he replied quietly and simply, "I didn't want to interrupt her".

Three very pregnant ladies are at the OB/GYN office waiting for their appointments. One of the ladies is reading a magazine and says "Hey girls! This article says the position you made love in determines your baby's gender. I was on top so I'm having a girl." The second lady says "I guess I'm having a boy then because I was on the bottom." The third lady (blonde, of course!) bursts into tears. "I'm having puppies!!"

A man sits down at the bar and strikes up a conversation with a very attractive older lady. After a hour or so of conversation, she asks, "Your very handsome and I would like to take our relationship to the next level. Have you ever had a Mother-Daughter combo before?" The man was drooling all over himself as he said - uh - NO! She says "Well lets go!"

She leads him upstairs to her hotel room and points and says "Go over there and wait for us on the couch". She then turns to the bedroom and says "MOM, are you still up?!"

......

Good one.

The pretty teacher was concerned wtih one of her 11 year old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently. "Don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," little Johnny said reassuringly. "I'll use a rubber!!!"

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, a Redneck, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the Redneck.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

That's the point...it's not funny. It's incredibly vulgar, disgusting, and the only humor is the discordance between the act and the title.

Funny Jokes

(03-07-2011 06:53 AM)AaronMark Wrote:  That's the point...it's not funny. It's incredibly vulgar, disgusting, and the only humor is the discordance between the act and the title.

Funny Jokes

First post here? Hmmm, probably a spammer with a link to his malware site.

A Norwegian woman stepped to a bar and said, "bartender, I want a beer!" the bartender responded,"Anheuser Bucsh?". The lady responded, "fine, thank you. Anheuser pecker?".

I think i have offended a beaner.

Anyway.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.

Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

OY!

A 3-year-old boy examined his privates while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

She replied, "Not yet."

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"