Health
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Our government is trying to correct this problem

OPEC sells oil for $140.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass!!!

missjtiger Wrote:Health
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Our government is trying to correct this problem

I don't get it.

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well then, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Walmart has everything!



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'



'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.



'There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it.



It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'



So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.



He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.



Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:



'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.'



That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.



He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.



Joe hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.



The computer prints the following:



1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!



Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

missjtiger Wrote:Walmart has everything!



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'



'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.



'There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it.



It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'



So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.



He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.



Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:



'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.'



That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.



He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.



Joe hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.



The computer prints the following:



1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!



Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

I told you not to tell anyone about my incident at Wal-Mart. Thanks a lot, friend.

missjtiger Wrote:Walmart has everything!



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'



'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.



'There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it.



It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'



So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.



He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.



Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:



'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.'



That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.



He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.



Joe hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.



The computer prints the following:



1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!



Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When
you are done you will have a place to live.


Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?

A: "Gee, I remember these."

TigerInPrisonWithALaptop Wrote:

missjtiger Wrote:Health
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Our government is trying to correct this problem

I don't get it.

Imagine that...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Oklahoma. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in
the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general.......and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your
knee'.

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several weeks, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there to pick up my spirits. When I got shot in the hunting accident, you nursed me. When I lost the house, you were right there with me again. Now, with my health failing, you are by my side….…You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“Get the BLEEP out of here, you’re bad luck.”