(These are some convincing Conservative portrayals, dontcha think?)
Maurice: Thanks guys! Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Pressing
Issues on VCPR. That's Vice City Public Radio. Radio which gives people
exactly what they want: High quality educational programming about serious
topics and the consistent reminder that this world is going to hell in a
handbasket if you don't give us money.
Remember, Vice City Public Radio is commercial free because it is funded
entirely by donations by our listeners... and corporate sponsors. So, if
you're enjoying the show, why not make a contribution? I am Maurice Chavez,
and this is Pressing Issues. Pressing Issues is a roundtable discussion group
in which we as self-important people exactly what they think about things and
then they argue amongst themselves for a bit... Before leaving with views more
extreme than when they came in. Only joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a
show founded on the ancient Greek principle of enlightened debate and the
American principle of free speech. Or is that the ancient Greek priniciple of
feeding wisemen hemlock and the American principle of being annoying (annoyed?)
and loud so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell. Now,
the subject that we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues with me,
Maurice Chavez, for your enlightenment and enjoyment is a very serious one:
Public Safety. In case you haven't noticed, Vice City is not a very safe
place. These are troubled times. We are a troubled people. Some would say we
are a people at war with ourselves. Other say we are at war with reality.
Those who live in other countries and strive to own our fast food restaurants
and Kwik-E-Marts would say we are a blood-thirsty bunch of crazies who let
children buy guns from the super markets. Another opinion is that it is the
fault of society. That, as Plato said, "People don't mean to kill each other."
It happens because they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a
vacation or something. Another view is that we are all a little confused and
really should stay at home, locked in doors and forget about everything as
quickly as possible. So, let's press the issue, eh?! Sitting at your panel
right now, we have three divergent opinions. Three separate items of insanity
in a rolling sea of stupidity. Three wise men following very different stars.
To my right, heh, to everyone's right in fact, we have congressman Alex Shrub;
the youngest state congressman to ever be elected by Vice City and now a
respected man in the capital. Mr. Shrub got elected because he has great hair
and says things that make you nod your head. His campaign appealed to the
wealthy because he set all of us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich,
as long as you say you care about the children." Mr. Shrub, welcome!
Alex: That's not entirely true, Maurice. My campaign also appealed to the
poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty
pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts.
Thanks Maurice. I'm glad to be given this opportunity to set the record
straight.
Maurice: I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend.
Let me introduce my other guest first.
Alex: I hope this isn't going to get personal. I love Vice City more than
anyone, and I can prove it.
Maurice: Yes, that's coming from the man who got elected by calling his
opponent a "buffalo butt" and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn't fight his
way out of a wet, paper bag. Anyway, our next guest is from the opposite end
of the political spectrum. A man so wet, he looks like he just stepped out of
the shower. Peace Corps activist, hippie concert taper, founder of the group
"Speaking for the Underdog". He is fluent in seven languages and studied the
harp in Peru: Callum Crayshaw.
Callum: Hi Maurice! Hola. Buenos dias and noches. Bonjour and
buongiorno. Wilkommen. Hallo, hello, hi!
Maurice: Uhhehehe... Let's stick to English. Most of us struggle enough with
that. Welcome to Pressing Issues... And lastly, we have a man with a noble
solution to the problems of public safety in Vice City. A solution so stupid,
I cannot bring myself to explain it for him. Yet, like break dancing, it is
sadly catching on. A man who appears on this fine show because our previous
know-it-all panelist was car-jacked and is now at home arming himself to the
teeth. I give you John F. Hickory.
John: How y'all doing!?
Maurice: Indeed. So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind you of
the rules of engagement. Here on Pressing Issues, the number one rated show on
public radio in the Vice City are and hosted by me,
Maurice Chavez. Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each other
hemlock, literally or metaphorically.
John: My daddy used to grow that stuff in the back woods in Missouri.
HOOOWEEE! I tell you what!
Maurice: Yes, thank you! I expect you to listen to each other and I will only
step in when necessary only so people on the Earth don't forget what my voice
sounds like, heh heh heh heh. So, I want a clean fight. Nothing below the belt
on in the chops. And remember Maurice's moto, which a very wiseman, my father,
once told me, "If you listen, one day you might be heard and when in doubt, use
the smell test." That's so important I think. Don't you? So, congressman,
let's start with you. Crime is up, people are scared to walk the streets,
nobody is taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low,
everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger,
metaphorically speaking. Do you think the government is doing a good job?
Alex: Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics,
they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better statistic, Chavez. In
1980, when I was elected and you were, according to the intelligence gathered
on you, a man with no mission. You worked as a clown at birthday parties,
corporate functions, bar mitzvahs, and go-go bars. You, realizing that you
were a hollow man that can only take on the personality of others, decided to
become an actor... And despite going up for 17 auditions that year, you only
got work as a fluffer in a sex ed. video. Your tax returns show that you earn
less than $2000. Suffering from anxiety, you attended a group therapy for a
year and considered getting a sex change. An idiot liberal felt sorry for you
and now you host your own radio show, write a newspaper column (that lines my
bird cage), you got an ex-wife and an attractive girlfriend although she's
married to your best friend, and you're on top of the world. So answer me
this... Can you really say the years of living under my administration have
been bad for you?
Maurice: Eh, eh. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues, not
Pressing Maurice.
Callum: Yes, excuse me if I may. Can we get to the part where we press the
issue?
Alex: You see, that's what's wrong with this city. Liberals just want to open
the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and
women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my permission to beat them with
sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be doing us all a favor! Free love, wig
out, don't work, make love in the field, and listen to rock-n-roll or whatever
you call it. Meanwhile, Crayshaw, I know your father. He's made a lot of
money which makes him a great person, but for every good conservative they end
up having some wacko, commie kid just back from a vacation in the orient who
wants to share. Go take that sharing business to Cuba or Canada or somewhere.
I don't have a trust fund or a rich daddy. I know what it is to be poor and to
look at the world from the other side. I slept my way to the top.
John: Ehem, if you two would stop, uh, hootin' and carryin' on, I have a plan
that will save Florida from the yellow-bellied snakes that want to slither into
this great state from all places north.
Alex: Oh, look. Stump-jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain cells to
talk!
Maurice: Enough! We've just started and you have proved yourself, Mr. Shrub,
to be just as they said. I grant you, 1980 was not a high point in my career,
but I never applied for a sex change. I was merely in an exploratory phase and
besides which, Sal the Wheat-free clown was a funny act! Once voted the best
upincoming dietary restrictive comic act in the whole of Vice City. I tried to
take it to the Catskills, but Mount Scarylarge was full. Besides, we are not
talking about me. We are talking about you.
Alex: Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn't win. Mary the Meat-Free
Mime won. In fact, under legislation I am proposing, all of you vegetarians
will be kicked out of Vice City. We were given canines and bicuspids for a
reason... To open packages of potato chips.
Maurice: Hey! Don't get wrong! I always hated that *****! What's funny about
a woman not eating a hamburger, or miming saving a chicken from the
slaughterer's hands? ...Or her big act: "I Am a Milk Cow: A Lactating Machine
For Your Breakfast Cereal"? How do you think a little kiddie enjoyed that on
his birthday? Not very much. There were tears, not laughter, I can assure
you. Vegetarian performance art must be stopped!
John: Jumpin' Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick! You city slickers got more issues
than a newsstand! Can we talk about public safety here? I ain't got all day!
Maurice: What? Is there a corn-on-the-cob eating contest you have to get to?
You have some chicklings and grits in the oven? You got a date with your
sister, eh?
John: Hey, be nice man! I just want to talk a little politics and you made it
all personal.
Maurice: Right, let's all stop bickering, especially you Shrub. I've got my
eye on you. Public confidence is at an all-time low. Nobody feels safe
anymore. Just the other night, I saw a man running amuck with a gun shouting
he needed to defend himself. Gun sales are up, book sales are down. What do
you think, John F. Hickory. Please, press the issue!
John: All right, that's better! Sticking to the matter at hand... Well, it's
quite simple mister. Immigration is to blame. People are flooding into our
state from all over America. Trash! It's quite simple. They're bringing
their high-polluting, unity, out-of-state ways and corrupting the place. Ruin
it! That's why I and my organization propose we take Florida out of the Union.
We start anew as our own country and ban people from Missouri or Kentucky or
Philadelphia or any of them fancy places from settin' foot on our soil!
Alex: You think what? Heh, have you been snortin' blocks? Have you read the
Constitution?
John: Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom. Freedom for Florida from the
stench of people movin' here to retire or going on vacation. Build your own
damn theme park in your own damn state! Florida theme parks is for Florida
people only! That's what I say. I mean, I don't go to Alabama to visit a
theme park, so why do they come here?
Maurice: Mr. Hickory, your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don't believe
there are theme parks in Alabama.
John: Then they should stop commin' down my way and build Redneck Land or
whatever. Damn redneck hicks ain't got no class! My views ain't extreme,
mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would say if they had
the guts. If you let people immigrate here from all over the so-called "United
States", guess what? There's no more room! We'll be piled on top of each
other like they are in Australia. What we're going to do soon is build a
river... A river of freedom. A river of hope. A river which runs from coast to
coast that cuts us off from the 47 states of wastrels and bad influcences to
the north. We are going to cut Florida off from the mainland of our oppressors
and float out to sea. Then, the nation of Florida will be free to start over.
There're be no long-*** lines at the Long Flume or Pirate Ship ride when I take
over! You and the kids will be able to ride the rides all day! We will have a
rollercoaster for each and every Florida family!
Maurice: You know, you're bordering on treason. What you are saying is a very
naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we believe so whole-
heartedly in "free speech" are we allowing it.
John: It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I am not
a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I especially hate
Yankees! By which I mean anyone from Georgia or further north. Build your own
theme parks, buy your own sun, grow your own damn mosquito-infested swamp, pal!
We're going to build ourselves a river! FBI, CIA I don't give a damn! They
can't stop us. You, Shrub! You yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin'
hypocrit! What have you done for Vice City up there in Washington?
Alex: I've ensured important tax breaks for gun retailers, real estate
developers, and I've cut the cost of policing, saving the city 2%, or 25 cents
per household, over a six year period.
Callum: At the expense of society. Think of the little people. Poor people
have no voice in this city. Every time I find a park to meditate in, someone
brings in a bulldozer and builds condos. The madness must stop.
Alex: So you suggest we just stop making babies? People need a place to park
their boat and trailer and to put their swimming pool. You're beginning to
sound red, and by that I mean you prefer a hammer and sickle over a hamburger.
Callum: I'm not little. I'm 5'5". It's time for corporations and all of
capitalism to step aside for naturalism. You're not saving this planet, you're
spending it. Your credit is no good here. We can't afford to loan you anymore
of our nature. Those are our trees. I only wish I could be around a little
longer to enjoy it. I feel so old. Someone must take my legacy. I must train
a little me!
Maurice: How old are you?
Callum: I'm 23, but I feel much older, and wiser. I know everything.
I've seen a lot of the world.
Alex: What does the rest of the world have to tell us about how to do things?
Build more trains? Have people elect their leader rather than an elite
electoral college? Ride a bike to work like a girl scout or a clown with
dietary concerns? No thanks, Vladmire.
John: I agree with that. People from other countries are good for nothing,
that's why we have to keep teachin' them a lesson. I tell you what makes a
real man. A truck to pull stuff and a couch to think on.
Callum: I'll tell you. Speaking as a sensualist, and by this I mean a very
narrow-minded, incentered (?) man of peace... Travel. I recently went to
Europe. I think everyone should see it for a week. You really see what's
wrong with this country when you visit a European utopia. Things like a
journey, public transportation, health care, leather shorts, mustaches. When I
went to Belize, I helped some villagers clear some land for an environmentally-
friendly coal mine. We've all got to make some sacrifices if we're going to
get anywhere. My dad gave me the money to set up an exciting trust there.
Maurice: But how does that help the people in Vice City from worrying about
whether they are going to get robbed? What drives a man to just take?
Callum: What we need are more after-school sports like choir or drama, so
people can learn to express themselves properly, by singing or pretending to be
a tree. Have you ever heard a whale sing? It's a lonely form of beauty and
some very ancient wisdom. Helping people to help themselves with drama and
choir and flowers and my dad's money.
Alex: Listen Trust Fund Tommy, your ideas are pathetic. It's no wonder that
mankind has woken up one day to find me in charge, amigo.
Maurice: Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to
zero... But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by
20% and services decline!
Alex: No one is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you
something pal, I'm better than that. I will not- I shall not, I cannot stoop
to your level. They assured me that this was a show that understood politics,
where we can debate mano-a-mano, and I find myself having statistics hurled at
me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers! You
have no idea, my friend, what it takes to serve, the sacrifices I've made to
help my country, to help Vice City. The complexity of government, the... the
hideousness of my wife and... the way her thighs grow like our national debt.
Oh oh, sure... Some people like that, but not me! It's a nightmare, my friend,
and and and... it's thrown back at me by an ingrate like you. I can scarcely
get up in the morning.
Maurice: ...And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick break to
tell you something very informative. You're listening to
Pressing Issues on Vice City Public Radio. Over to you, Jonathan.
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Disney near deal on "Fahrenheit 9/11"
