10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

that's hilarious...thanks, Kitten.

My dad actually set out his gun & started cleaning it when one guy I dated came to pick me up! I was mortified, but as it turns out, ol' Dad was right about him! lmfao

tigergreen Wrote:that's hilarious...thanks, Kitten.

My dad actually set out his gun & started cleaning it when one guy I dated came to pick me up! I was mortified, but as it turns out, ol' Dad was right about him! lmfao

My brother was worse than my dad! He came home from law school in
Knoxville and told my date he had ironed my clothing and I had better not come home wrinkled!

I'll have to start memorizing these for 16 years down the road. This is great.

JTiger Wrote:I'll have to start memorizing these for 16 years down the road. This is great.

16 years down the road?

You've got a newborn, right? 21 to 25 years sounds OK.

My daughter's going to hate me. ;-)

kitten, those sound pretty much on the money! Thanks for sharing.

A couple of years ago a guy spoke at our church about. He said something that made a lot of sense that I'll remember forever:

When the guy comes to the house to pick up your daughter you're not going to give him the keys to your car. You'd be stupid to. But you'll give him something much more valuable -- your daughter.

My daughter means so much more to me than any earthly possession and I plan on protecting her with the fervor she's due.

umbluegray Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:I'll have to start memorizing these for 16 years down the road. This is great.

16 years down the road?

You've got a newborn, right? 21 to 25 years sounds OK.

My daughter's going to hate me. ;-)

I've seen it too many times. If you're too strict they turn into sluts when they go to college. That last thing you want is a fraternity running a train on your little girl. Don't let them run wild but it's a fine line.

JTiger Wrote:

umbluegray Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:I'll have to start memorizing these for 16 years down the road. This is great.

16 years down the road?

You've got a newborn, right? 21 to 25 years sounds OK.

My daughter's going to hate me. ;-)

I've seen it too many times. If you're too strict they turn into sluts when they go to college. That last thing you want is a fraternity running a train on your little girl. Don't let them run wild but it's a fine line.

Yes it is a fine line.

But your example is a reason why I won't let my daughter go to college.

lmfao

Just kidding.

What's funny is that my parents are actively looking for someone to take me away. They are ready to get rid of me. lmfao

umbluegray Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:

umbluegray Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:I'll have to start memorizing these for 16 years down the road. This is great.

16 years down the road?

You've got a newborn, right? 21 to 25 years sounds OK.

My daughter's going to hate me. ;-)

I've seen it too many times. If you're too strict they turn into sluts when they go to college. That last thing you want is a fraternity running a train on your little girl. Don't let them run wild but it's a fine line.

Yes it is a fine line.

But your example is a reason why I won't let my daughter go to college.

lmfao

Just kidding.

"That right honey, you don't need to go to college"!

fsquid Wrote:

umbluegray Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:

umbluegray Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:I'll have to start memorizing these for 16 years down the road. This is great.

16 years down the road?

You've got a newborn, right? 21 to 25 years sounds OK.

My daughter's going to hate me. ;-)

I've seen it too many times. If you're too strict they turn into sluts when they go to college. That last thing you want is a fraternity running a train on your little girl. Don't let them run wild but it's a fine line.

Yes it is a fine line.

But your example is a reason why I won't let my daughter go to college.

lmfao

Just kidding.

"That right honey, you don't need to go to college"!

Isn't that right? Doesn't she just need to find a guy to take care of her? After she turns 25, of course.

umbluegray Wrote:Isn't that right? Doesn't she just need to find a guy to take care of her? After she turns 25, of course.

I know that was said in jest but,

umbluegray Wrote:

fsquid Wrote:

umbluegray Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:

umbluegray Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:I'll have to start memorizing these for 16 years down the road. This is great.

16 years down the road?

You've got a newborn, right? 21 to 25 years sounds OK.

My daughter's going to hate me. ;-)

I've seen it too many times. If you're too strict they turn into sluts when they go to college. That last thing you want is a fraternity running a train on your little girl. Don't let them run wild but it's a fine line.

Yes it is a fine line.

But your example is a reason why I won't let my daughter go to college.

lmfao

Just kidding.

"That right honey, you don't need to go to college"!

Isn't that right? Doesn't she just need to find a guy to take care of her? After she turns 25, of course.

so you are going to try to send her to SMU for her Mrs. degree?

fsquid Wrote:so you are going to try to send her to SMU for her Mrs. degree?

Vanderbilt and Ole Miss are top notch schools for that.

lmfao lmfao

When I met Mrs. Smaug's dad, he was sitting in his livingroom floor, cleaning his elephant gun. He's a great guy, though. He's even offered to loan me the elephant gun when the little Smaugs start dating. ;-)

JTiger Wrote:

fsquid Wrote:so you are going to try to send her to SMU for her Mrs. degree?

Vanderbilt and Ole Miss are top notch schools for that.

True, but I don't wish for his daughter to wind up on coke.

fsquid Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:

fsquid Wrote:so you are going to try to send her to SMU for her Mrs. degree?

Vanderbilt and Ole Miss are top notch schools for that.

True, but I don't wish for his daughter to wind up on coke.

Or married to a frat boy!

TigerChick Wrote:

fsquid Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:

fsquid Wrote:so you are going to try to send her to SMU for her Mrs. degree?

Vanderbilt and Ole Miss are top notch schools for that.

True, but I don't wish for his daughter to wind up on coke.

Or married to a frat boy!

or an alcoholic and a drug addict like I was when I left Old Piss in the early 70's

tigergreen Wrote:that's hilarious...thanks, Kitten.

My dad actually set out his gun & started cleaning it when one guy I dated came to pick me up! I was mortified, but as it turns out, ol' Dad was right about him! lmfao

I was cleaning on of my lil' ole guns conveniently, checking the chamber, when two young men arrived to pick up my stepdaughter for a double date, I told them to have a good time but be back by midnight. Well, they were back early. Come to think of it, I don't believe I ever saw them again.

missjtiger Wrote:

TigerChick Wrote:

fsquid Wrote:

JTiger Wrote:

fsquid Wrote:so you are going to try to send her to SMU for her Mrs. degree?

Vanderbilt and Ole Miss are top notch schools for that.

True, but I don't wish for his daughter to wind up on coke.

Or married to a frat boy!

or an alcoholic and a drug addict like I was when I left Old Piss in the early 70's

Isn't that the definition of a frat boy? ;-)