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Who'll be quip king of SEC?

08/08/02

By THOMAS MURPHY
Sports Reporter

Now Steve Mariucci and the NFL know the Steve Spurrier audacity we enjoyed for a dozen years down here in Dixie.

For not only were Spurrier's offensive scheming and transparent emotions a wonder to behold, so was his bold talk. Spurrier's departure for greener (wink, wink) pastures created a huge void at SEC Media Days, and none of the 12 head coaches made a move to take the Sound Bite King honors Spurrier owned.

Here's one man's ranking of the current SEC coaches in terms of media savvy, public-speaking skills and entertainment quotient:

-- 1. Houston Nutt, Arkansas : Coverboy looks and great personal magnetism. A real orator, Nutt uses change of pitch, varying degrees of emphasis, bouts of passion and facial expressions to great effect. Should consider running for public office in the Natural State when his coaching career winds down -- but only if he keeps leading the Hogs to New Year's Day bowl games.

-- 2. Lou Holtz, South Carolina: You don't make multiple appearances on "The Tonight Show" for winning football games. Holtz's talent for the quips may only be eclipsed by his notorious sandbagging. Sadly, this modern-day Will Rogers with an endearing lisp is slowing down: He told the same anecdote twice in a 20-minute span at Media Days.

-- 3. Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt: Remember, this is a personality poll, and the first-year Commodore shows promise here. On playing second fiddle in Nashville: "They root for the Predators?" On scheduling Vandy while he was at Furman: "We felt pretty good about that." A passable "separated at birth" from comedian Steve Martin, Johnson has a semblance of his comedy chops.

4. Mark Richt, Georgia: Hip enough to crack on his own clock-management boners from last season, so he's not consumed by ego. Richt, who appears to have lost 10 to 15 pounds, has a soft-spoken manner that runs counter to most coaching stereotypes.

-- 5. Tommy Tuberville, Auburn: Composed and confident when speaking to large crowds, Tuberville uses solid eye contact and minimal head movements to show his concentration. Close your eyes and listen. Is that Tuberville or Ross Perot? OK, so Tuberville's voice is much deeper, but his sometimes staccato delivery is vaguely reminiscent of the squeaky Perot. Tuberville has carried his south Arkansas twang through his travels.

-- 6. Dennis Franchione, Alabama: Once you get past the nasally, flat, Kansas-plains delivery, Franchione comes across as genuine and determined. An accomplished speaker with occasional wit, Franchione rarely ever mis-speaks or stumbles. The one-liner about Bama RVs in Hawaii was funny the first couple of times.

-- 7. Ron Zook, Florida: Picture an auctioneer on speed. Sure he's eager and excitable, but slow Southern ears might get blown away by his Ohio-bred, machine-gun delivery. Fastest talker in SEC since Terry Bowden. Troubling part of Rocket Ron's oration is the cliche-riddled coachspeak. Take out the sound-absorbing filler and Zook isn't saying much.

-- 8. David Cutcliffe, Ole Miss: A dignified gentleman in appearance and speech, his delivery is southern-fried foot-bawl coach through and through. Remarkably even-keeled, he keeps his responses to the point, with only an occasional detour into humor.

-- 9. Phillip Fulmer, Tennessee: The winningest coach in this bunch doesn't have the winningest personality, though he can produce an occasional chuckle. The head Volunteer gets a side-of-the-mouth delivery going that is somewhat curious. Face it, he's an ex-offensive lineman, not paid to entertain the Orange Nation with witty banter.

-- 10. Jackie Sherrill, Miss. State: A solemn poker face with a monotone delivery and probably the slowest talker in the league. Has a tendency to slip off into strange, spacy tangents and not finish the stories he sets up. Credit Sherrill with this: He can crack a joke or spin a humorous anecdote with the same expression he uses to discuss hang time.

-- 11. Nick Saban, LSU: Mojave Desert-like dry. Stern and serious-minded with a husky growl. Attempt at humor with racy joke at '01 Media Days didn't really fit. Got in some dry licks this time that suited him better. Just win, Boudreaux.

-- 12. Guy Morriss, Kentucky: The preamble to his question-and-answer session lasted less than a minute. Expect his tenure with the Wildcats to be as bland as his personality.