A man and a boy are walking down a path in the forest, the boys looks up at the man and says, "Gee Mister, it sure is dark and scary out here in these woods!" The man looks at the boy and says "How do you think I feel, I have to walk out of here by myself!"

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist.

Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter.

Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

As a former zookeeper, I picked up a few animal jokes:

A bunny rabbit hops out of a bush next to a creek to get a drink of water. Next thing you know, this huge grizzly bear walks up next to the rabbit and he starts drinking. Without looking at the rabbit, the bear says "hey rabbit, you ever have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" Nervously the rabbit looks up and says " No, why do you ask?" The bear then picks up the rabbit and wipes his a$$ with him.

Neil Callaway and Nick Saban were preparing for the UAB-UAT matchup in the 2011 Papa Johns Bowl at Legion Field.
Both coaches decide to dig in to a big juicy Legion Field hot-dog.
Ten minutes later both rush to the LF restrooms to take a big fat sh** , and of course there's no TP.
Saban hollers over to Callaway "Neil there's no TP in my stall" ,Callaway replies " none over here either ,just use a dollar"
Callaway makes it to the pre game press conf and 15 minutes later Saban arrives.
"What took you so long? Saban replies "it's hard wiping your a$$ with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel....

(09-10-2009 04:35 PM)Motley Blazer Wrote:  Neil Callaway and Nick Saban were preparing for the UAB-UAT matchup in the 2011 Papa Johns Bowl at Legion Field.
Both coaches decide to dig in to a big juicy Legion Field hot-dog.
Ten minutes later both rush to the LF restrooms to take a big fat sh** , and of course there's no TP.
Saban hollers over to Callaway "Neil there's no TP in my stall" ,Callaway replies " none over here either ,just use a dollar"
Callaway makes it to the pre game press conf and 15 minutes later Saban arrives.
"What took you so long? Saban replies "I had to call Bear, Jr. on my cell and wait for him to bring me change of a hundred."

Alternate take.

I first heard that as a joke on Tallulah Bankhead. (You young'uns will have to hit wikipedia or something.)

She's in the can and finds that there is no TP and calls under the stall to the lady next door to ask if she has any paper. When told no, Tallulah then asks, "Well, have you got change for a twenty then?".

(09-11-2009 02:48 PM)BlazerFromMD Wrote:  

(09-10-2009 04:35 PM)Motley Blazer Wrote:  Neil Callaway and Nick Saban were preparing for the UAB-UAT matchup in the 2011 Papa Johns Bowl at Legion Field.
Both coaches decide to dig in to a big juicy Legion Field hot-dog.
Ten minutes later both rush to the LF restrooms to take a big fat sh** , and of course there's no TP.
Saban hollers over to Callaway "Neil there's no TP in my stall" ,Callaway replies " none over here either ,just use a dollar"
Callaway makes it to the pre game press conf and 15 minutes later Saban arrives.
"What took you so long? Saban replies "I had to call Bear, Jr. on my cell and wait for him to bring me change of a hundred."

Alternate take.

Sorry it took so long but Jim Dunnaway was across town. He is my official wiper.

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard.

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.'

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs.

He was taken to the hospital.

His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister.

Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."