The Rice University Owls lost the 2020 Vidalia Bowl in Vidalia, Louisiana to a strong Jena, Louisiana Middle School 35-14. Although the Owls lost, this marked the fifth straight year that the Owls have gone to a Bowl, an unprecedented level of success. Last year, they won the Nowhere Bowl in Nowhere, Texas 72-70 against the Lagrange, exas High School.

With the Owls' staunch “we will play any one, anytime, anywhere” policy, it has expanded its playing schedule to the Houston Independent School District, where it has won an impressive 65% of its games. Several posters on the influential Rice Parliament have pointed out that Rice’s combined 35-30 record over the last five years confirms the wisdom of former Athletic Director Joe Karlgaard in maintaining coach David Bailiff against a pitchfork movement to fire him. As one poster said, Houston high school football is really tough.

The Owls success is a combination of the skill of its coach David Bailiff and a decision Bailiff and Karlgaard, now Athletic Director at Iowa State, made in 2015 to leave CUSA and play a schedule of high school and community college teams. Karlgaard noted at the time “In addition to giving us a highly competitive environment, the move will save significant travel costs.”


Going back to the Vidalia Bowl, current Rice AD Rick Gerlachc pointed out that it really was not a fair game because Jena Middle School had elementary school transfers. Other Parliament posters pointed out that Rice’s academic standards put Rice at a disadvantage, one noting that JMS admits anyone. Gerlach noted however that as long as Rice continues to dumb down its competition, it can maintain a winning record, maintaining its unprecedented level of success. Gerlach has appointed a panel to investigate playing middle schools on a regular basis. He noted “We are also considering playing select elementary schools.” Assistant AD Mr. Afflicted noted, “It’s not how you play the game or who you play, its whether you win or lose, and we are winners, Baby.”

Several notorious malcontents, including Walt Greenberg, Wisconsin Owl, Hawaii Owl, Ranger, Good Owl, Antarius, Talon Owl, and NOLA pointed out that Rice should not be playing high schools and middle schools, and that going to a bowl game with a middle school was not an achievement. However, ebullient Parliament posters celebrating Rice’s unprecedent level of success under Coach David Bailiff quickly poo-pooed this negative thinking, reminding them that a win is a win and a bowl is a bowl, also pointing out that losing to Jena Middle School was not an embarrassment since Jena had posted an impressive 6-4 record in the always tough East Central Middle School District, a district rated in the top 50 (43rd ) Middle School leagues in Louisiana. One poster wrote “Wins are good. We will play elementary schools if that is what it takes to get a W. Yeah!!!!! Keep winning, Baby.”

During the season, Rice posted an impressive 7-5 record, not counting the bowl game, going 0-3 against community colleges and posting a 7-2 record against Houston area high schools.

Gerlach noted that Rice football had clearly met the goal set by the former AD of making the Top 25, as Rice was rated number 19 among Houston area schools in football. Profiting from this unprecedented level of success, Gerlach called Bailiff the “greatest Rice coach of all time” and extended him for life with no possibility of firing, making Bailiff Coach for Life.

Apparently, there is significant hostility between Gerlach and Karlgaard since Karlgaard has pulled out all stops to hire Bailiff at Iowa State. In response to questions about Karlgaard’s attempts, Gerlach resolutely proclaimed “DB is my man, and I will never let him go.”

Gerlach also announced that starting this summer Rice will conduct an annual David Bailiff Clapping Camp. Gerlach said, “In addition to being one of the premier football coaches in the five mile district surrounding the Rice campus, David is a world class clapper. If I could choose only one person to clap for me, it would be David.”

When asked about the new camp, coach Bailiff said “Clapping is fun. I like to clap." He averred that clapping is a difficult maneuver that he had learned over a five year period, but felt he had learned some techniques which could accelerate a person’s learning of clap.

Afflicted chimed in “We are winners. Look at our record. Another school wants our coach. We are going to continue this winning tradition, no matter what it takes.”

A former celebrated poster, D1 Owls, said exasperatedly, “I was right all along. If we had given Greenspan and Braun the time they needed (45 years or more) we could have transformed all of Rice athletics into winners. High schools and middle schools play basketball, too. And that secret EZF plan by Greenspan was exactly what we needed"

Finally Gerlach announced the formation of the Bailiff Adoration Society. Members of this elite group will be known as the Bailiffistas.