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Joke thread - BlazerFromMD - 07-10-2009 11:39 AM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass...
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate...
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass? "
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered..
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high ."
RE: This is a Heartwarming Lawyer story. - BlazerFromMD - 07-10-2009 08:27 PM
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry:
'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
RE: This is a Heartwarming Lawyer story. - BlazerFromMD - 07-10-2009 08:30 PM
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant? Since I had little else to d o, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.
On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!
RE: Joke thread - Blaze4Pres - 07-10-2009 09:10 PM
What do you call a fish with no "i"s? A "fsh."
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? "Dam!"
RE: Joke thread - BlazerPhil - 07-11-2009 09:55 AM
Why do Gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
RE: Joke thread - ATTALLABLAZE - 07-11-2009 10:06 AM
I still don't understand why we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway..........
RE: Joke thread - TMcCarty - 07-11-2009 10:10 AM
Two guys are driving through Mississippi when they see a sign that says Gautier, 5 miles. The two men launch into an argument over whether the town is pronounced "Go-shay" or "Gau-tee-er". Finally, they decide to get off the interstate once they enter the town and enter a shop to get a final verdict. So the two men stop at a fast-food joint and go inside. When they get to the counter, one of the men tells the kid at the register, "we are having an argument over how you pronounce this place, so could you please tell us where we are, and say it very slowly." The kid looks at them kind of odd, then says, very, very slowly,"Dairy Queen".
RE: Joke thread - Copperblazer - 07-11-2009 10:15 AM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs,'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER
RE: Joke thread - ATTALLABLAZE - 07-11-2009 12:42 PM
We were driving to Southern Miss for a basketball game and I had Smaug, Copperblazer, Grammarnazi, and Slinkie in the truck with me.
We were driving along and saw a goat with his head stuck in the fence beside the interstate. Being curious, we stopped and as soon as we stopped Copperblazer jumped out, got behind the goat, dropped his pants and wore the goat out.
I said Damn, Slinkie, did you see that? Slinkie said yea, I sure did, then Slinkie jumped out and went over to the goat with his head stuck in the fence, dropped his pants and wore the goat out.
I just sat there and shook my head. I looked at the Grammar Nazi and he said, Oh what the Hell...... Ran over behind the goat and wore him out.
I said, well, if that don't beat all...... I turned and looked over at smaug and said, "I guess you want to go over there and get some too right?"
smaug kind of blushed, dropped his head and said "yea" With that, smaug jumped out of the truck and ran over and stuck his head in the fence...................
RE: Joke thread - Smaug - 07-11-2009 03:32 PM
To quote Ron Simmons, "Damn."
Now my turn.
A farmer has a bull that is apparently suffering from impotence. He contacts the local vet for some assistance. The vet gives the farmer a bottle of pills and says, "Give him just one. These are very powerful, and should do the trick."
Well, six months has passed since the farmer and vet have spoken, when they run into each other in the seed-feed store. The vet asks the farmer, "How did the medicine work out with your bull?"
"Well," the farmer said, "It couldn't have gone better, Doc. That bull is a new man, so to speak, and every cow I have is knocked up."
"That's great to hear!" said the vet. "So, what did you do with the rest of those pills?"
"Funny thing about those pills, Doc. Seems I had the bottle in my shirt pocket while I was leaning over to fetch the bucket out of the well, and the bottle just slipped right out and fell in the well."
"Good Lord!" the vet exclaimed. "We have to get that bottle back before it contaminates the water supply! Has anyone drunk from the well since then?"
"Drink, Hell. We can't even get the pump handle down."
RE: Joke thread - Blaze4Pres - 07-11-2009 05:47 PM
I was driving to campus and was between Lakeshore and the Oxmoor exit when I got behind a contractor's utility truck. There was a cooler rattling around and it finally fell off of it and ended up on the shoulder of I-65 N. Being a good samaritan, I decided to pull off to the shoulder, pick the cooler up, and hopefully catch up to the utility truck. Well, when I walked up to the cooler, I saw that the lid was off of it and inside was a human toe.
Want to know what I decided to do?
I called a "toe" truck.
RE: Joke thread - Grammar-Nazi - 07-11-2009 11:26 PM
A man walks into a bar. On the bar is a giant jar full of $10 bills. At the end of the bar is a small stall with a horse inside. The man asks the bartender, "What's this jar all about?" The bartender says, "You put in $10, and if you can make the horse laugh, you get all the money in the jar." The man says, "I can do that." So he drops in his $10, goes to the back of the bar, and whispers in the horse's ear. The horse falls to the ground it's laughing so hard. The man collects his winnings and leaves.
A year later, the man comes back to the bar. Again, he sees the jar of money and the horse in the back. He says to the bartender, "So, all I have to do is make the horse laugh, huh?" The bartender replies, "No. This time you have to make him cry." The man goes to the stall, shows the horse something, and the horse starts bawling like a baby. The man goes to get the money, and the bartender stops him. "Before you leave, I have to know two things. First, how did you get the horse to laugh?"
"Oh," replied the man. "That was easy. I told him my dick was bigger than his."
"And how did you make him cry?" the bartender asked.
"I showed him."
RE: Joke thread - Grammar-Nazi - 07-11-2009 11:27 PM
![[Image: comictrojanhorse5.png]](http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comictrojanhorse5.png)
RE: Joke thread - the_blazerman - 07-12-2009 05:32 AM
From Larry the Cable Guy
What is Tulsa backwards? A SLUT
What is a Slut backwards? 100 bucks.
RE: Joke thread - blazr - 07-12-2009 06:49 AM
A man gets on a train. He has a black eye. He sits down and notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
Man #1: Hey, you've got a black eye, too!
Man #2: Yep.
#1: How'd you get yours?
#2: Well, you know that girl in the ticket booth with the big tits? I meant to ask her for a ticket to Pittsburgh. Instead I said, "I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh."
#1: Haha...that's pretty bad.
#2: Yep. How'd you get yours?
#1: Well, I was sitting down to breakfast with my wife this morning. I meant to say, "Could you please pass the waffles?" Instead I said, "You ruined my life you fracking *****."
RE: Joke thread - Blazer Engineer - 07-12-2009 08:14 AM
THE NEW BULL
A farmer had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeps a strict eye on his portion of the cows. A rumor comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this.
The first bull says, "Well, there's no way he's going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any. He can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up."
Finally, the new bull arrives. To the consternation of the other three he is the biggest, meanest Aberdeen Angus bull they have ever seen, with hooves like flint anvils. He comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them.
The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows. I guess I'll give him twenty of mine."
The second says, "Yeah, I guess so. I'll give him thirty of mine."
They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting, and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows too.
"Yes I know," he says. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
RE: Joke thread - ATTALLABLAZE - 07-12-2009 10:32 AM
(07-12-2009 08:14 AM)Blazer Engineer Wrote: THE NEW BULL
A farmer had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeps a strict eye on his portion of the cows. A rumor comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this.
The first bull says, "Well, there's no way he's going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any. He can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up."
Finally, the new bull arrives. To the consternation of the other three he is the biggest, meanest Aberdeen Angus bull they have ever seen, with hooves like flint anvils. He comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them.
The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows. I guess I'll give him twenty of mine."
The second says, "Yeah, I guess so. I'll give him thirty of mine."
They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting, and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows too.
"Yes I know," he says. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
Ha ha.
Old School Jerry Clower, I love it!
RE: Joke thread - Blazer Engineer - 07-12-2009 05:04 PM
LOve it! Jerry Clower still cracks me up!
RE: Joke thread - blazeman21 - 07-12-2009 05:05 PM
(07-11-2009 10:06 AM)ATTALLABLAZE Wrote: I still don't understand why we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway..........
Or why cargo goes by ship and shipment goes by car.
RE: Joke thread - BlazerFromMD - 07-13-2009 06:49 AM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the
men's rest-room, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any
of the
buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled
ATR..
Who would know if he
touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's rest-rooms don't have nice things
like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a frag ile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
pleasure.. The ladies rest-room was more than a rest-room, it is tender loving
pleasure.
When the powder puff
completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he
knew would be sup reme
ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse
was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR
button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under your
pillow.'
~MEN NEVER LISTEN