12-08-2014, 07:11 PM
Didn't really want to put this in an official email to the administration or the Faculty Senate, so this seemed a reasonable place to share some wasted brain cell creativity.
From the book of 2nd Opinions, Chapter 9:
1. And the LORD did take his apostles unto the hills and gathered them unto himself 2. And he began to speak unto them in parables, saying 3. The University of Alabama at Birmingham is like unto a king of great wealth and power 4. Who called unto all his many children saying 5. "Come! Tell me what thou wilt have, so that thou may conquer thine enemies and be greater than all who cometh before thee." 6. And his children did pour forth their requests, and some asked for much and some asked for little. 7. And when he had heard their pleas, the king did retire unto his cool chamber to ponder upon these things. 8. And after evaluating all his goods and his incomes he called forth unto all his many children so that they stood before him. 9. And he called forth his most powerful son and stood him before all others, and speaking, said unto him, 10. "Surely thou knoweth that I am wise and hath sought the advice of men of learning; hear my words! 11. Thou art a fine son and have brought many goods unto my household. 12. Yea, though thou bringeth me many goods, I say unto thee that thou asketh for more than these my other sons and daughters, even though thou art willing to forego these things." 13. And having so spoken, the king did take up a rock and did smite his powerful son so that he died. 14. And turning, he smote also two daughters who stood nearby. 15. And then he turned unto his other children who stood nearby and cried out in a loud voice unto them, 16. "Hear my words, O my children! For now that this my powerful son is slain, surely shall his goods and incomes be divided up amongst thee, and thou shalt all surely grow more powerful over those that oppose thee!" 17. Now his children, upon hearing these words, began to grumble amongst themselves, and the friends of the powerful son, when they were told of his death, did rend their garments and put on sackcloth and ashes, and they came forth unto the king crying, 18. "Thou fool! Thou hast slain thy son who made thee a king of power and wealth, and thou hath lied to his brothers and sisters concerning his wealth! 19. Surely thou art an enemy!" 20. And the king, upon hearing these words, did harden his heart and refused to reason with the friends of his powerful son. 21. And so they rose up against the king, the friends of the powerful son and his brothers and sisters all; 22. They rose up and marched unto the tower wherein hid the king and pulled it down. 23. And the great king was no more, and his children did breathe life anew into the powerful son, and a new king was elevated from the king's children.
24. And upon hearing these words, the apostles were amazed at his words and marveled among themselves. 25. And the LORD said unto them, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear! Free UAB! Amen."
From the book of 2nd Opinions, Chapter 9:
1. And the LORD did take his apostles unto the hills and gathered them unto himself 2. And he began to speak unto them in parables, saying 3. The University of Alabama at Birmingham is like unto a king of great wealth and power 4. Who called unto all his many children saying 5. "Come! Tell me what thou wilt have, so that thou may conquer thine enemies and be greater than all who cometh before thee." 6. And his children did pour forth their requests, and some asked for much and some asked for little. 7. And when he had heard their pleas, the king did retire unto his cool chamber to ponder upon these things. 8. And after evaluating all his goods and his incomes he called forth unto all his many children so that they stood before him. 9. And he called forth his most powerful son and stood him before all others, and speaking, said unto him, 10. "Surely thou knoweth that I am wise and hath sought the advice of men of learning; hear my words! 11. Thou art a fine son and have brought many goods unto my household. 12. Yea, though thou bringeth me many goods, I say unto thee that thou asketh for more than these my other sons and daughters, even though thou art willing to forego these things." 13. And having so spoken, the king did take up a rock and did smite his powerful son so that he died. 14. And turning, he smote also two daughters who stood nearby. 15. And then he turned unto his other children who stood nearby and cried out in a loud voice unto them, 16. "Hear my words, O my children! For now that this my powerful son is slain, surely shall his goods and incomes be divided up amongst thee, and thou shalt all surely grow more powerful over those that oppose thee!" 17. Now his children, upon hearing these words, began to grumble amongst themselves, and the friends of the powerful son, when they were told of his death, did rend their garments and put on sackcloth and ashes, and they came forth unto the king crying, 18. "Thou fool! Thou hast slain thy son who made thee a king of power and wealth, and thou hath lied to his brothers and sisters concerning his wealth! 19. Surely thou art an enemy!" 20. And the king, upon hearing these words, did harden his heart and refused to reason with the friends of his powerful son. 21. And so they rose up against the king, the friends of the powerful son and his brothers and sisters all; 22. They rose up and marched unto the tower wherein hid the king and pulled it down. 23. And the great king was no more, and his children did breathe life anew into the powerful son, and a new king was elevated from the king's children.
24. And upon hearing these words, the apostles were amazed at his words and marveled among themselves. 25. And the LORD said unto them, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear! Free UAB! Amen."